I sat in that bus, on my way to work, on my way to make a living and I saw you. I have no idea who you are, your name or age; but I know you are someone’s son, someone’s friend, and yet there you are, dying on the street. One person, one out of the dozens all around you – including me – stopped to help you. I sometimes wish I was the type of person to bang on bus doors, to cause a scene, to act in impulse, but I’m not, and I’m sorry. I should have ran to help him, help you. I watched from that seat on the bus as he checked for your pulse, but your skin was so grey I doubt he found one. No one else even seemed to care, I looked around the bus to see if anyone else felt the way I did, and not one person looked phased by the idea that you were dying. There were 5 other people on the side walk where your body laid and they didn’t do anything but stare and walk away. I tried so hard to hold it together, to act the way everyone else did, but I couldn’t. I cried for you, I cried because I know something happened to bring you to where you were, I cried because no one wants to get involved, no one wants to help. No one sees that you are just a kid with serious demons, just a person who struggles with memories of the past. You are so much more then an addict, you are so much more than a junkie, you are a human; you are here for a reason, you matter. It’s not okay, none of it. It’s not okay that someone or something hurt you to the point where you had to find a way to escape your pain. It’s not okay that you ended up addicted to a drug that ruined your life, it’s not okay that you have to use to live. It’s not okay that a drug dealer is making money off your addiction, or that they are cutting drugs with poison. It’s not okay that society labels you, but doesn’t help you. It’s not okay that you died. It’s not okay that people didn’t stop. None of this okay, none of it is acceptable. We need to stop building giant shopping malls, and invest in mental health, in better schools, in affordable homes, in people’s lives. My only hope is that you are now feee of pain. God has you in his arms now, along with all the other human souls that died because of greedy drug dealers, and shitty people. Society, you disgust me.

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Old habits

Darkness engulfs me, I really can’t seem to find a way out; maybe I’m not really looking hard enough. I stand at the edge of a steep cliff centimeters away from falling to my death, it’s overwhelming and I take a step forward. I am thrown back into reality, fluorescent lights shine brightly above me, cooking my brain and making it feel as though my head is boiling over and about to explode. I am brought back to my feet planted firmly on hard floors, back to expectations, and standards I don’t think I’ll ever measure up to. Back to the feeling of being the size of a grain of sand, back to feeling insignificant, back to being replaceable; and with a single misspoken word, or action I am back in that dark place, blinded by the dark midnight black that surrounds me.

My chest tightens and it becomes almost unbearable to breath, to move, to think. Those typical nervous butterflies have turned into angry wasps and are fighting for a way out. I am shaking, I am clammy and cold, yet I am dripping sweat and I feel as though I just drank 50 espresso shots, 5 Red Bull’s, and washed it all down with speed. I am fidgety and I am hyper-vigilant to anything and anyone around me; I am attempting to force myself to focus on a single task so I do not fly away like a helium balloon. Nothing helps, my over stimulated heart is dancing with the angry wasps and I feel faint. I return to that I-must-have-been-hit-in-the-head feeling and slowly collapse into the darkness; hoping I’ll find a way out.

My past, visions of all the things I did wrong, all the times where I was made to feel inferior to those around me – to those who are suppose to be my family, suppose to be my friends – plays over and over again, reminding me of how worthless I am, how I have never been and never will be enough for anyone.

After what feels like a life time, the panic and anxiety hides its self away and I can feel “normal” for a few beautiful moments. But it never goes away, no drug or drink, no prescription for Antidepressants or Anti-anxiety medicine can take away this worthless feeling, this self distructive behavior, or the constant reminder that I have failed young me, I have failed her, my parents, and God so many times, and it breaks my heart; because 7 year old me had so many dreams.

O1.

It was like you were the light; Bright, vibrant and attractive 

      And I was the unexpecting insect; curious and in awe of you and so, I risked my life just to be close to you. 

But I soon realized that, the closer I flew towards your glow, the more damaging you became. 

    Your touch sent fire to my veins and restricted my air. Your guiding glow became my home. No matter how much you hurt me, no matter how many times your power knocked me to the ground, I would collected myself, wipe off the dirt, and fly back to you hoping that this time would be the one time you wouldn’t scorch my wings. 

It’s been years since the first night I laid eyes on your light, I am all but a body now. My wings have been burnt to ash and my legs are broken. However, I’m still here, Im still clinging on to the unrealistic hope that you will lift me up with your powerful light and love me the way I love you. 

But all I am is a bug, and you, you are a radiant and powerful light. 

Remember in elementary school how they would ask everyone what the wanted to be when they grew up, and we’d whole heartily exclaim that we wanted to be astronauts, lawyers, doctors, ballerinas, cowboys, and Princess’. We’d draw pictures of our future lives and proudly hang them up for the rest of the world to see, we’d dream of the day when we would be grown ups and have careers, and homes, and families.

I remember being a child and thinking that I could not wait for the day that I was an adult, when I could do what I want and do it whenever I chose. Little me never understood that you needed money to do things, and that for you to make money, you must work. I use to think as an adult I would have the ability to stand up for myself, that no one could tell me what I could or could not do, I would not have to listen to other people’s rules, or cower in fear that I would be punished. I never feared adults as a child, I respected my elders and worried about disappointing them, but I never feared adults the way I fear them now. I fear the “women” I work with because their catty remarks and unkind gossip is enough to leave me broken and crying by the end of a week, I fear the repercussion of speaking out against the way things are being taken care of at work, I fear that by speaking “out of turn” I will, without questioning, be out of a job. I fear that I will never be enough for the people that are ranked above me.

As a child, I use to dream of being a mother; of taking care of my home and children, while my husband was working hard for us. I dreamed about being a housewife. Its less disheartening to learn that your childhood career isn’t your right fit, for who do we know that grew up to be an astronaut or a Princess? But, a dream to be a mom and a wife is something that comes so easily to others, and for that dream to be crushed, to surpass your own ‘time line” you conducted in your head, is something that can easily destroy you.

I sit here trying to rack my brain, trying to figure out what I want to go in debt to be. People keep asking me if what I’m going to go to college for because being a sales associate is not what I ever wanted or dreamed to be – would you like a gift receipt feels like my own “would you like fries with that” and its equally demeaning. I usually shrug my shoulders when someone asks what I “want to be”, not because I’m trying to be rude, but because I don’t know. Because what I want to do with my life doesn’t come from a university or college, although it almost should, I would rather stay up all night with a sick baby, than stay up all night cramming for a midterm, and I would rather be exhausted from cleaning my house, and caring for my children than be emotionally drained from work. But without the ability to trust anyone, including myself, how do I expect to fall in love and be a wife and a mom?

***

My life is at a point, a low point, where it feels like nothing will ever get better, I’m angry, hurt, and ready to throw in the towel. I’m angry at the world, at the fact that I tried so hard to be a good person, to help others, and believed that maybe people would do the same to and for me. I’m angry because for years I asked God for strength and healing, only to come to the sobering realization that there isn’t a man above the clouds that somehow hears our silent prayers. He did not heal me when my grandma passed away, or walked beside me the night I was sexually assualted. He didn’t cure my dad, or help us cope, and he stole my best friend. If he’s the one who created life and death, why didn’t he help Jayda, why didn’t he listen to my cries and healed her? Where are these so called miracles? I went to church and Sunday school as a kid, because I wanted to. I talk to god, read the Bible, I believed. I changed my life, all in hopes that this imaginary person would heal me and yet all I’ve received is pain. I’m hurting, between the deafening loneliness that seems to surround me, the realization that I have no true friends, and the fact that I seem to only be enough for my family when I’m doing things for them. Im hurting because no matter what I do it never seems to be enough; Enough for me, enough for anyone. 

And I know none of this is new, but nothing can change if nothing changes, and I don’t even know where or how to change. 

I wish I knew what drove these people who rise up from the flames, what lies in them that allows them to take large leaps of faith, or courage and keep going. Maybe its something they’ve found, maybe they had to hit their lowest point in order to find a way to reach their highs; maybe the universe thinks I haven’t hit my bottom; or maybe subconsciously I don’t think I’ve hit my bottom. I don’t even know what my bottom is.. I feel like I’ve hit bottom so many times already.

I think, or rather maybe I’ve always know, it’s because I still hold on to the possibility that he might one day decide to love me.

Although I know that will never happen

***

I know that by holding on to this made up fairy tale I’m sabotaging a love that could be waiting for me out there. I compare everyone to him, I punish other people because of his words, I assume that everyone feels, thinks, and acts like him; I’m smarter than that though, smart enough to know that not all men are the same, not all men are him. Its difficult for me not to, though, after years of telling myself that he was right and that I was not enough for anyone, it kinda sticks with you, you know? I don’t know why I can’t just cut him out of my life like I have so many people, but I’m tired of hearing about other girls, I’m tired of always being the friend, i’m tired of being reminded that I can’t have the only guy I ever held on to for so long, I’m tired of doing this, 10 years is to long..  I’m just so tired of it all.. 

I need to reevaluate my priorities, my needs, my own happiness and maybe reach within myself and find a way to rise from this sorrow I’ve been wallowing in for far to long.

“From the end of the earth I will cry to You, When my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”

– ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭61:2‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

(even though I’m having a hard time believing in God.)

 Until Next time xoxox

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Christmas

  
Summer has ended, thanksgiving was celebrated, Halloween is over and still the pain feels new. 

Christmas, holidays in general, have been beyond difficult since my darling grandma went home to God; but now that my dad went away this Christmas will be torturous. 

We have a life time of “Firsts” to live through now. 

This year has been excessively difficult, losing my dad, a never ended custody battle that plagues my sisters heart everyday, being diagnosed with PCOS and hypothyroidism, Mom’s stressful job search and all the other changes that have been packed into 11 short months, it’s hard to stay upbeat and happy. I am fearful, fearful of being happy because everytime I do I end up in the middle of a battle of sorts. A battle that I would rather do without. 

I believe there’s something beyond this life, but I’m angry. I’m angry at God, angry at the world. Everyone and everything I love gets ripped away from me, my family has gone through more sorrow then we deserve. Our hearts and souls are worn out and yet the world thinks it’s a fun game to throw more obsticals our way. We’re tired. 

I have prayed every single night for peace, for this never ending nightmare to end and yet it never seems to. 

I am torn apart. 

As much as I have always loved Christmas I’m afraid to look forward to a happy holiday season, for the past has made me fearful. 

I don’t wish for much this year, for what I would like cannot be bought, but I wish for a December that is full of happiness. That we will find joy this holiday season, that we will find peace. 

Such a thing would be a miracle. 

25 things I’ve learned from life..

I’m turning 25 this October and the thought of being half way to 50 terrifies me a little to much. I’m grateful I was blessed to have a life this long, growing old is something a lot of people don’t get to do, however that doesn’t stop me from developing some serious insecurities. I am, in no way, where I wanted to be at 25, and yes I know life doesn’t go they way we plan but some days I can’t help but be fearful of never getting there. 

In light of my 25 years on earth I was thinking about listing 25 things I’ve learnt about life, love and growing up. It’s going to be a long list, but here goes nothing. 

  1. Have patience – we only have one life, and in this life we will have obsticals, things will test us, people will test us, and our dreams will feel like they are unreachable, but I know with patience we can and will have the things we dream of. Rome wasn’t built in a day after all. 
  2. The people that love you are the ones that matter – I’m not talking people that are forced to tolerate you because you share a family member, but the people that love you through all your ups and downs. The people that worry about you, that celebrate with you. The people who love you are the people you need in life. Family may be “forever” but they aren’t always loyal.   
  3. You don’t need to be perfect – no one on this earth is perfect. The most talked about and opinionated Christian family, the Duggars, use to pride themselves on being “perfect” and look at the trouble they are in. If you make mistakes, fall or fail it just means you are learning, your growing and your human. Humans aren’t perfect & we aren’t suppose to be.
  4. Love has no limits – who ever tells you that your to young or it’s to soon to love is just jaded. Your heart knows no time, age, race or sex and no one knows your heart but you. 
  5. Sex doesn’t equal love – in today’s society sex is overly accepted. Now I’m not saying sex is wrong, we have needs, but your body is the only thing that will be with you for the rest of your life and you need to respect it. I’m talking to both females and males, there’s far worse things that can’t happen from a one night stand then regret and an unplanned baby. 
  6. People will leave – As depressing as it sounds, people we love will leave our lives. They may move away, or simply you’ll grow apart. It doesn’t mean they hate you, or you hate them it just means your paths no longer lead to the same destination and that’s okay. 
  7. Sexual assult can happen at any age, time and in any situation. Be the person that will always believe the victims – I’m lucky I was old enough, that I experienced love before he put his hands on me. But that will never change the fact that he stole my future. One to many beers and I was the perfect target for someone to take advantage of me, and he did. I still the remember the way he smelt, his voice in my ear and the way his hands felt on my body, but worse of all I remember the guilt. The guilt that I encouraged his behavior, the pain I felt when no one believed me. Please never be one of those people, it’s hard enough to go through without proving that your telling the truth. To this day, 8 years later, I’m still unable to be touched by a man because of him.   
  8. Put yourself first – This is a hard one. But you need to put your needs, wants, desires before other people’s. People like us, those who care to much, always end up being taken advantage of. 
  9. Not everything needs a reaction – Especially publicly. We are a society that lives on social media. Our entire lives are public, but that doesn’t mean you need to make a scene or get into someone’s face when you disagree with someone’s words or decisions. 
  10. It’s okay to remove people from your life – Sometimes the people we love the most are the ones that hurt us the most and It’s okay to decide that they’re purpose in your life is over. This includes family members that have hurt you. 
  11. It’s okay to stay in bed all day when your sad – sometimes life gets overwhelming and the only thing that helps is wrapping yourself up in your bed for a day. 
  12. Love yourself – You can’t expect others to accept you if you can’t accept and love yourself.  You need to love yourself enough to set boundaries and know your worth. 
  13. Drugs will take away more then you’ll ever realize – I have seen so many people ruin their lives with a needle, pill or pipe. My uncles are among the “living” dead, the people that wander the streets looking for cigarette butts, pop bottles and a place to rest. Life is to valuable to waste, to precious to throw away for a needle. You are worth more then diamonds and jewels. No matter what your past has told you, you are important, needed and loved. Your short comings do not mean your worthless, and I know loneliness can drive you insane but don’t let your loneliness drive you into the arms of addiction. 
  14. Hard times wont last forever – The pain you feel today won’t last forever, the sun will shine and you will feel the weight lifting off your shoulders.
  15. Be grateful when things are good – Just like The bad, the good doesn’t last either. Appreciate every blessing you receive cause it can be taken away in a blink of an eye. 
  16. Cherish the moments you have – tomorrow isn’t promised and you’ll never know when it’ll be the last time you see someone. Cherish each and every moment you have with your loved ones, create memories, tell them you love them as much as possible because before you know it they’re gone.
  17. Believe in yourself – the world, society, sometimes even your family will tear you down, make you believe you aren’t good enough. In those moments you need to believe in yourself because the people around you won’t care if your dreams come true or not and they won’t have to deal with the regret; it’s you. 
  18.  Fall in love – no matter how hurt you’ve been allow your heart to feel love eventually. Fall in love with someone who sees your flaws, the dark parts of your soul yet still loves you unconditionally. Fall in love with someone’s soul, their past and their future. Be so in love that people will feel the love when they’re around you.  Find someone who will love you, and you will live through all the struggles in life.    
  19.  Respect everyone – even if you don’t agree with someone respect their opinion. I know it’s difficult, but if you open your mind and allow yourself to understand other people better, you will become better. 
  20. Forgive, but never forget – don’t forgive them because they muttered the words I’m sorry, forgive them because life is to short to be angry. Take what they did and learn from it.
  21. Do what makes you happy – life is was to short to stay at a job, in a relationship or in a place that makes you unhappy. 
  22. Have morals – life is about learning, but you don’t have to do things that tarnish your soul. Just because a friends or celebrity does something doesn’t mean it’s right. Protect yourself, respect yourself, be a role model and be the change we need in this world. 
  23. It’s okay to cry – Crying doesn’t mean your weak, crying means your living. Sometimes all we need to clear our souls is a good cry. 
  24. Depression is so real – I admit I was one of those jack ass kids that made fun of the kids that were always so sad looking, and now I’m one of them. I never understood the depth of the pain they lived with, why they slashed at their wrists to find peace and yet now I understand to well. Please never underestimate someone’s pain. 
  25. Lastly, it’s okay to leave – I am the queen of excuses, I use to tell people I could not leave my city because of my dad, my sisters son’s, my mom ect ect. The truth is I’m scared. I’m afraid to leave the things that are fimilar to me, the people and things I know. But without leaving, without exploring what’s out there I’m.. I’m festering in my own pain and out dated memories. This will always be my home, but this isn’t were my heart longs to be anymore. And that’s okay. I dumb myself down to fit into a society I don’t like. Comform to things I don’t agree with but why? I’m learning that leaving people and things that hurt you feel pretty good and that I need to put the people who love and care for me ahead of those I wish would. 

And there you go 25 things I’ve learned in 25 years.