I’m writing this early ’cause come monday I’ll be to emotional.
12 months ago.
I remember it like it was yesterday.
Waking up, feeling a sense of uneasiness. But that was nothing new once we knew the day was rapidly approaching.
I remember missing a phone call from my mom and panic stirred in my mind and body. I remember shaking trying to get a hold of her, only to be answered by a shaky, tear filled voice, telling me “Dad died”. My strong and resilient dad’s heart stopped beating. I remember, vaguely, hanging up the phone and dropping to the couch. Unable to really comprehend what I just heard. I picked up my phone, unsure of what to do. Unsure if I should call work or just go in, unsure if i should call or text that my dad died, unsure if I should let people know. Unsure because it didn’t feel real.
I’ve learned that I cannot deal with death..
It didn’t feel when mom came home puffy eye’d from crying and I hugged her and it didn’t feel real when the funeral director sat in our living room talking about the cremation process. It didn’t feel real when I went to work and had a beautiful plant and card from my boss & co-workers. It just didnt feel like real life. It felt like a bad dream I’ve had 10,000 times and I couldnt allow myself to accept that is was real. I stayed in denial for a long time. It didnt hit me, or I suppose i didn’t deal with it until one day I realized it was true. I cant recall the exact moment, or what it was. It may have been the christmas music, or my 25th birthday or a combination of time and the seasons changing. But it hit me hard. He was gone, gone forever. I went from the girl with the dad that was sick, to a woman whose father had passed. My whole world changed in that moment and I become angry.
I was angry because my dad who never really drank or did drugs, my dad who loved his wife and his girls, who did anything possible to be a good person was handed a death sentence. His body betrayed him, God betrayed him. I was angry because his crack head brother was still alive and he wasnt. I was angry because my mom lost her husband and bestfriend, I was angry because we lost our dad. I was angry because if i ever have children they will never know their grandpa, just like I didnt. I was angry because people kept telling me they were sorry. I always wondered what “I’m sorry” was suppose to do, we say sorry to apologize for something, did you inject this awful disease into my dads body? Is it your fault? I never needed the generic answer and thats all I seemed to get. I became angry because although it happened months ago, I was grieving the death of my dad and no one understood why I was still so emotional about it. I felt alone. I mentally and emotionally broke and did things I am not proud of, things I’m still dealing with the consequences of. It took a long time for me to stop being angry, I still get angry about things, but after a long talk with my mom I was able to accept that his body is finally without pain. I cherished the good memories, the very few things we had in common. Jayda was one of them, the only thing I ever wanted was a small dog and he found one for me. And he loved her, and she loved him. She was my little piece of my dad and I was blessed to have her..
A month ago I lost Jayda and the grief I feel about losing her is 100 times the pain of losing my dad and I have no idea why. Perhaps because I was holding on to that little bit of my dad I had left, and now they’re both gone and I feel lost again.
How’s heaven? I bet its beautiful above the clouds, away from the pain and sorrow this awful world is experiencing. I hope your free from all the pain you felt, and that you are happy. We miss you, we miss having you here.
I know I said it to you already, but I want to thank you for everything you did for all of us. I want to thank you for showing me what a real man should be. This year has been hell. Everything is different and my heart is so broken. Not only for me but for our entire family.
I miss how things use to be, but right now, Im missing the little baby dog you gifted me. I hope you two have found each other, and shes sitting on your lap eating cookies off your shirt and chewing on your feet. I hope you guys are both healthy and happy, running around and working on cars. Jayda loves coffee so I hope your sharing with her! I miss you both so much, I dont know how to live without both of you. Please give my guidance daddy. Please help me overcome this.
I Love you, I miss you and I’ll see you when its my time to resign in heaven with you all.