Its Sunday, and It’s raining today, for the first time in who-knows how long, the tiny rain drops fall like wet kisses upon my head.

And I think of you.

I think of how, like tiny drops of rain, your tears fell from your eyes the last day I saw you. And how you planted wet kisses upon my head whenever you’d say goodbye.

I think about the day you left, and how the sky cried for you. How I tried, oh how I tried, to disguise the pain I felt and the gloomy cloud that somehow followed me wherever I went.

I think of your laugh, your infectious laugh that I can still hear in my dreams, and I think about how wonderful each moment spent with you was, how Sundays were filled with visits to your house, the best peanut butter cookies in the world, and spending time with you.

As each raindrop lands on me I smile, engulfed by the idea that each drop of rain is a kiss from you, and each time my tears mix with the rain I am restored with faith that you are all around us still.

Its Sunday, and it’s raining today, for the first time in who-knows how long, the tiny raindrops fall like wet kisses upon my head.

And I think of you, and how grateful I am to have known you.


The day we said goodbye

When your body grew weak, when your legs no longer could hold you up, the creator gave you wings. He held you in his arms and took away your pain. And while I’m grateful you are no longer suffering, I miss you everyday. 

A year ago I lost my best friend. My sassy little dog who had no problem laying snuggled into my arm all day, or being carried all around the city. She was, talking about her in past tense is still so strange, my security, my diary, my distraction from the pain that burned inside of me. She was such a a character and knew exactly how to get me out of my head when my depression weighed heavy on my soul. I can’t even count the number of times she saved me from killing my self. She was my baby. 

I still can’t believe it’s been a year, the pain is so fresh. I hope your free of pain Jayda, I love you and i miss you 

My letter to someone that will never be able to read it.. 

Hey Daddy. 

It’s been almost two months since you went away but it still feels so new. What’s it like in heaven? are you happy? Are you free of pain like they say? 

I wish I could turn back time and cherish you when you were healthy. I’m so sorry for the things I use to say about you behind your back and to your face, you were the worlds greatest dad and I’m so grateful you were mine. I know we had our differences but we had good times too. Remember watching wwf in the old house? It was the highlight of my week every week. Remember all the times you took us to quesnel? I know it wasn’t your idea of a good time but I’m grateful you did it Anyways. Remember the day you took me to my asthma appointment cause Mom was at a field trip with Jen? Remember how you let me eat a cookie in the van after? I still remember that so well because we weren’t aloud food in that Van. Remember the day you brought Prince home? He was the best dog.. You weren’t perfect, but who is? You did your very best and I wish I could of seen that when I was younger. I wouldn’t of been so spiteful. 

Remember that time I had to do a project with someone and they bailed last minute so you worked on it all night for me? I remember so many good times that the “bad” just kinda.. Disappears. You were always there, always willing to take the blame when we didnt want to do something. 

I remember being so scared everytime you would fall or take off after you were diagnosed, I remember crying for you. What kind of pain were you in? What did you have to live through? I’m so sorry I wasn’t as strong as you and visited you more. I just couldn’t watch the strongest man I ever knew choke and struggle to breath. I couldn’t deal with what you were going through and I hate that I was so selfish. 

I’m beyond grateful that you got me Jayda, I love that I have a reminder of you with me always, not that you ever leave my mind. 

I compare everyone’s love to the love you have for mom. You showed me the way a man should treat a woman and I hope I’ll find a man that loves me like you love mom. 

I hate that I carry this emptiness inside me, because I know you wouldn’t want any of us to be this sad. But daddy you were more important to us then any of us really knew. 

I miss you so much 

I love you forever and always


Coming to terms with… life

For years I isolated myself, unable to fully live, to fully deal with life. It was easier to surrond myself with online “people” then to go out and socialize.It was easy to stay in my room and not deal with what was going out in the real world; in my own home.
My anxiety kept me from living, and now that im “healthier then i was then I can see how my life was less then par. I did not party, or see friends. I never lived a normal life. My heart and soul was blackened from depression.

Today was the first day in a while that I was able to come to terms with the events that are happening, I hate referring to them as events, as events are suppose to be fun or happy and this is less then okay, I was able to see, feel, the pain I have been denying for the past 4 weeks. When my dad passed away I was able to distract myself by working, by allowing my denial and shock to overpower the sadness, the overwhelming feeling that although he is in a better place, We are not. We are in a place where we are unable to live normally. I know hes free of pain, that his suffering is over, but after 10 years of him being sick, and 6 of him being in a carehome its hard for me to come to the realization that my mom will never pick me up for work, or come home after visiting my dad telling me how he is. Because he isn’t. Please don’t tell me that he still is, that he’s always with me because it isnt the same.

If, when, I have children they will never know him. No the boys did not know him healthy but at least they knew him, he saw them as babies and they saw him while he was still here. My children will have to learn of their grandpa through stories and through pictures, just as they will have to learn about their great grandma . No, my great grandma wasn’t here for long, but I am grateful I met her. I have never, and never will, meet my grandfathers and its a part of me that missing and now my pain will be passed down to the children I may or may not have.

I know this is selfish that people get tired and that’s why they allow themselves to die, But they were to young.

Its been ten years since my grandma died, yet it seems so fresh sometimes,. and its been 4 weeks and a day since my dad passed away and it still feels like yesterday.

My pain isnt allowing me to move on, to be the same person I was before this happened. I do not know how to be the same person I was when someone that was so important in my life is now gone. that iIll never have a dad again, Ill never have him at my wedding, not that I want one but things and people change, Ill never be able to see him, or hear him laugh or talk. It breaks my heart everyday that this happened to him, that he had to draw the short end of the straw. If I could I would go back 12 years ago and appreciate him, and all the things he did for us that I took advantage of.

The love he had for my mom will be the one thing that I will always hold close to my heart. His over protective nature and the strange, but perfect way, of showing us he loved us. Id do anything for him to take something from me and hide it and hear him giggle as im searching for it. I cant allow people in I cant be friends or be with a person who never knew my dad

Being in this house makes me feel so incomplete. I can still see him on his computer in the kitchen, or in his wheelchair watching some “dumb show” on tv.

Home will never feel like home. I cant live here anymore because everything i see and everywhere i go reminds me of my dad. Im overwhelmed, my heart isnt at peace at all. Ive been trying so hard to look on the good side. But the irritability and the anger, the sleepless nights and the loss of appetite is driving me insane. I no longer have patience for anyone, I have no motivation to do anything. This isn’t living, life needs to be enjoyed for it can be over in a second. 

To the people I have been short with I apologize, I haven’t seen myself and it’s been a hard 4 weeks.