FEB 25TH

Perhaps one day, I’ll wake up and know what it feels like to embrace the day. I’ll know where I’m suppose to be and what I’m suppose to do and my heart will be full.

That’s not today though, I wish it was but it’s not.

Today I woke up angry and sad, feeling belittled and taken advantage of from my work and the people around me. Jealous of the people who are able to put a smile on their faces and img_0710allow love into their hearts. Jealous of the women that are pregnant and in love, jealous of the little families that make their way through the door of my job everyday. Envious of the sweet soul my co-worker has, and the fact that without even trying has landed herself a man who loves her for her. Today I woke up and begged the universe to “not make me” do today. Today I woke up with the feeling of stomach acid and pent up emotions rising up from my stomach. Right now I am unsure of where I am suppose to be, who I’m suppose to be, and where I fit in to this crazy world we live in. My fight or flight instincts are in high alert today and all I want to do is run; run and hide like a small animal trying to escape a hungry lion that wants nothing more than to eat me up in one bite. The world is that lion, my anxiety and depression is that lion, and right now, it’s winning. My head pounds and my eyes hurt from holding back tears, my throat burns with the pain I’m afraid to show because no one understands.

So, I guess once again today won’t be the day that I wake up and embrace the day.

I wish I could explain to everyone how I actually feel and how the emptiness is almost unbearable. I need something or someone who’ll help me get over my past. The things that happened to me, happened so long ago and it’s time for me to move on.

The worst part is that no matter how hard I try to cope with the things I’ve been through, no matter how much I talk about it or how much “power” I take from the situations that haunt me I can’t seem to move on. I can’t seem to look forward into the future, I can’t help but remember the situations and memories that fill every street in this city. I hate that places, smells, and features remind me of the moments I so strongly wish to forget. One day, hopefully, I’ll escape from the hell this place keeps me in. 

Maybe One day…

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&like the waves in the ocean the pain comes and goes

It’s been 3 months, yet it feels so new; so new yet so distant. Like I’ve lived a thousand days since the day you were taken, like it just happened yesterday. 

I wish, I pray that soon the torment will subside, that I will make peace with your passing, believe that you are free. Free of pain, of a body that betrayed you. Free of the constant muscle spazzums, the lack of rest. Free from the loneliness and depression. 

I hope one day, soon, I will wake up with the sudden realization that you really are gone and that you aren’t sitting in a care home you hated, that you are watching over us, walking and guiding us along the path our lives are meant to follow. That you are here, that you see my tears & you are trying to comfort me. 

I’m sorry, I’m sorry for being so weak daddy. That I can’t look past my selfishness to see that it was your time. That you were tired and ready. I’m sorry I can’t stop crying, or start living. I’m sorry all I picture and remember is your last days alive. I try so hard to remember you healthy and I can’t. 

I miss you so much it physically hurts. It’s a constant reminder that a part of me, you, is no longer on earth. 

I feel so lost, even though you were here you were still alive. I had the choice to go see you, I was struggling with this pain. Oh how I thought you sick was painful, I never dreamed losing you would of affected me so.. Hard. I forgot this pain I guess, but I don’t think I ever felt like this after grandma. I don’t remember crying this much, or feeling so empty. I don’t remember, or maybe I just block it out, the emptiness of loss. 

I have so many regrets, I wish I saw you more before, I wish we spent more time together. I wish I spent more time with you, that I told you I loved you more. I wish you were still here. 

I miss you so much

So much it hurts