words

Change is the end result of all true learning

As an infant, we were taught to speak and our parents rejoiced when we half heartily mumbled the first mama or dada. We are encouraged as children to learn and expand our vocabulary, knowing that we may never use these long complicated words in everyday life, yet we are praised on our intelligence. Everyday we are expected to communicate verbally, whether it’s at work or in your personal life. But what happens, or what consequences are we faced with when the one thing we were encouraged and praise for becomes something that’s used to hurt other people? Why can’t we – as a generation – learn to speak and listen without blame, without judgement, without fear that our words, thoughts, or beliefs will be disregarded or used as a weapon in destroying our self worth. Better still, why are we so careless with the words we use?

We, as a whole, have a rather bad case of speaking without thinking, of judging without knowing, of disregarding what other people have to say if it is opposite of what we believe. I remember visiting my dads side of the family as a child and being told to be quiet, not to speak out of turn, and basically, to be seen but not heard. I never understood this, I never understood why I was being discouraged to speak around my family. Particularly because my mother’s family rejoiced in noise and talking and laughing. I couldn’t understand why I was told to be quiet in class, yet told to speak louder when asking or answering a question and I was unable to defer the two, especially at 6. I never understood, I still don’t understand, how its okay to be loud when people want you too and yet you are judged for being loud or “obnoxious” when you are having fun with friends. Why is the volume of one’s voice so important to other people? Why are we either labeled quiet or loud when we are simply just human? We are a generation, a human race, that sit behind computer or phone screens proclaiming that our beliefs trump those who disagree with us. We have bred wars, we have encouraged hate, we have teleported back in time where race is the most important thing of our lives. We have ruined the world out forefathers (and mothers) worked so hard to create. We have allowed ignorance to cloud our perspectives.

I digress often.

Perhaps I’m aging myself, but who remembers that little rhyme we’d say as children “Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”? It was in those words that we minimalized the impact that insults an gossip truly hurts. The bruises your sticks and stones leave, the broken bones, the scrapes and cuts will heal, however words stay with you. My mothers’ favorite line was “they’re just words” and I suppose that was the way she was raised, but in my personal, and not so personal, experience words cause just as much, if not more, damage. Damage that is irreversible once they fester, damage that no cast or band aid or kiss can heal. We blurt out insults and judgements and think that a simple word – sorry – will take away that hurt, when in reality it doesn’t help. Sorry is just another word, another half-hearted compound of sounds that we have given too much power too. We are expected and encourage to act like nothing happened once a person says sorry, like the knives that were thrown into our souls didn’t cut us.

Our words have so much more power than people like to believe, or care to acknowledge.

Again, maybe its just me; The way that words and phrases that have been said to you stick with you. Like the first time you were rejected or the first time someone told you they loved you. The syllables and compounds that come together to form words replay in your mind, the entire memory engulfs you and you relive the happiness, excitement, or pain all over again. This happens a little too often to me and it cuts a little deeper each time. How can someone who claims that they care about you mutter the words they know will hurt you. Why would someone who “loves you” spew cruel and degrading insults at you?

I grew up with so many unstable people, so many people who spoke without thinking, and used my insecurities and downfalls against me. I grew up caring too much about the words people said, and now words are my biggest enemy. I am constantly fearful that I will be judged and ridiculed for the things I say, that I wont be deemed truthful. I fear these things based on my past, based on the things that happened to me, the way the people around me did things.  But I know consciously, now that I have had the time to grow, that I cannot be consumed with what happened in the past. I cannot live in the rear-view mirror if I ever want to get ‘better’. If I ever want to be healthy and happy again I need to internally change. I know nothing is built in a day, but I have begun to deal with my past. I have been able to speak openly about the things that happened in my life, from the sexual assault that I allowed to ruin my life, to the loss of my dog and everything in between. I have been able to address and confront the people and words that have torn apart my soul. The things that use to be my dark secrets are now just another part of my journey and I am proud of that now.

Again, I find myself digressing from the topic I am trying to address.

I allowed a boy’s – he’s an adult now, but he’s still just a boy in my eyes – drunken words to fool me into thinking that I was enough for him. I allowed his broken promises and dishonest “feelings” to break me into 10,000 pieces and I never once confronted him about it, until recently. I finally stood up to the one person who always had the one up over me because I let him. I finally stood my ground and in a way, it back fired. By standing up for myself he is no longer in my life, by voicing my opinion and speaking up against him I lost who I thought was my best friend. Twice in one year I am faced with the sobering reality that I am without the two beings that knew me the best. Jayda and Peter knew everything about me, and I shared so much with both and to have neither one of them here for me or with me feels like my entire life has changed; and it has changed, I have changed. I realize now that by removing him from my life I have lifted a rock that was crushing me. I can breathe again, despite the pain. I use to think that our friendship could withstand any storm but failed to realize that he was the storm. His passive aggressive comments and mentally abusive tactics formed waves that engulfed me and pulled me back into the water no matter how hard I tried to escape. I thought that without him I would be lost, but it wasn’t until I was at my lowest that I found that he kept me lost. He spun me around in circles until I was weak and unable to see straight, and then left me to figure out where to go afterwards. His compassion was tainted with selfishness and pushed me away when I needed more, he dangled a dream in front of me just far enough away that I couldn’t reach and then gave a piece of it to any aboriginal, dark eyed girl he could see. He killed parts of me, parts of myself I use to like. I gave so much to someone because I fell for the words he spoke, because I believed fabricated tales of a life we could make together. I have learned to hard way that I must learn to fall for actions and not words. I fell to rock bottom, but it was there I was able to rediscover what I need and deserve.

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Resolutions

Hands up, Who made a New years resolution this year?

It’s a common tradition that we aim to change who and what we are when a new year starts, we make all kinda of promises to ourselves; Quit smoking, diet, work out, get organized, save money ect ect. But how often do we fall back into our normal habits after the novelty of the season ends? More often then not we fail to achieve these unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves. I say unrealistic because we are not a species that adapts to change well, most of us anyways. We give ourselves all these expectations and tear ourselves apart until we get them all done, all at once and if that isn’t a recipe for disaster then I don’t know what it.

Expectations ruin – whether you end that with relationships, situations or just life. Expectations are responsible for a lot of people falling into the evil hands anxiety, depression and self-wallowing. Why do we start a new year making promises that will just make us disappointed in ourselves if we do not get to where we think we will. I am the queen of expectations. I have lived in a world of “This is has to happen” for so long that I am unable to live in a world without expectations.

That’s my resolution for 2016, to have less expectations. That is kind of an oxymoron but I need to stop going into situations expecting something to happen that never will.

xoxoxo Donna 

 

2015

Dear 2015.

You are ending just as you started, in a flash. I cannot believe we are going into the first week of 2016 in a few days, that a new year is already almost among us.

I can’t say you were my favorite, that you weren’t one of the worst years of my life, but I can say you taught me a lot about life, about myself and the sobering fact that tomorrow is never promised. When you started, in the deepest parts of my soul I knew you would take my dad and that this was gonna be a dreadful year. That you were going to throw things at me, things I would and would not be able to deal with; and of course that’s exactly what you d4630fa22ebc4f95d679fde53cf60648d.jpgid. However You allowed me to grow, and to learn and prosper. You gave me the chance to excel in a position that would lead to a promotion. You showed me that people, even the least approachable, can surprise you in good ways. That you can find friendship and comfort in the least likely places. You discovered the bravery I forgot I had, the courage to speak up about things I use to keep to myself. You helped me heal yesterday’s pain, and you taught me to forgive (Well to an extent, I’ll never forgive my dads egg donor). You showed me that true friendships last, even if you don’t speak often. That people are more caring then my anxious mind let me believe. You’ve taught me that people will reach out to you in times of need, even after years without contact. You allowed me to discover the true colors of the people I looked at through rose colored lenses. You have been a year that I will never forget, not just because you took my dad but because of everything you taught me, everything that came out of this year and everything that helped me grow. I’ll never want to live this year over, but I won’t ever suppress the memories either.

***

I haven’t written in a while mainly because these past few weeks have been difficult. Christmas, the beginning of a new year and dealing with depression and anxiety that would kill me if I gave it the power to. However, I’ve decided that I need to escape from this funk I am in. A few months ago I wrote a post titled 25 things I’ve learned from life in light of my 25th birthday. 2015 has been a year of change and growth for many people including my self, and because of this I am going to write about 5 things 2015 has opened my eyes too.

 

  1. Life doesn’t follow your plan – We go through life with a plan, a made up to-do list that we think will fall gracefully into place because we want it to. This doesn’t happen, Life has its own agenda it will not follow a set plan, it will not be predictable and of course it will throw you off course.  While this is insanely hard to deal with, it will teach you something eventually.
  2. It’s okay to show emotions – People aren’t able to read your mind and often just want to help. By expressing what you feel you will be astonished at how much better and less alone you feel.
  3. You are not indestructible – You are just a fragile being in a world of hurricanes and natural disasters. You will be thrown and stepped on, you will acquire bruises and scars and hopefully you will live through all the terror the world throws at you.de0c761fa2e90c5ef00dfc2eb3aee61a.jpg
  4. The people who you love the most have the power to hurt you the most – Read that again, The people who you love the most have the power to hurt you the most. The people you give your heart to, the ones that know you would bend over backwards for them will acquire the power to break you. Without warning, and sometimes without them knowing they will rip your heart into 10,000 pieces. Don’t become cold because of this. Learn to be selective with your heart, with your love.
  5. And lastly; Never, ever take a single person or day for granted – We are only given a certain number of days, a life with numbered pages; everyone’s book ends at different times and sometimes it ends in a “cliff hanger”. Remember this because although your days are also numbered, and your book may be nearing its end someone you love and care about could be one chapter closer to the end. You will kick yourself, everyday for not spending more time enjoying them, enjoying the story of your life, the story of their lives. I know I do, I wasn’t around enough to make lasting memories with my dad, I allowed my anxiety and depression to steal so many pages of my story and I hate it. So Please, Never take anything for granted. Be thankful for your lows and highs, be thankful for each sunrise and feel blessed that you are able to greet the moon as the sun sets.

 

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My hope for this new year is to become the person I want to be, the person I was destined to be. I know I’ve said that many times before, and every time I disappoint myself and retreat back into my old destructive ways but this time I hope I’ll have the courage to see it through.

 

 

Happy New Year Everyone, and I hope your dreams come true this year.

 

 

Change can be scary. 

‘The bad news is, your choices and intentions, some people and places, those nights spent awake and all you’ve done, can lead you to the bottom of the pit. The good news is this wouldn’t be the first time someone’s crawled, tooth and nail, out of hell.’

I, now, know nothing is permanent, nothing stays the same; no matter how hard we wish, hope or dream. tumblr_mezu7x36r01rh85cao1_500.gif

I think, while its quite late for this realization, I am finally understanding that life is this never ending, never predictable, never planned lesson. We have to experience pain, depression, change and hardships in order to grow as a person. Like an addict that hits rock bottom before asking for help; I feel as though I have fallen as well. I’ve lived – stayed – in the past for far to long, a choice that is killing me slowly, a choice I made. I have known the same people, same places. I have relived the same days over and over. I have wallowed in the same self-pity, the same hardships that happened many moons ago, and yet I allow them to continue to beat me down. I have kept the same feelings towards certain people, held grudges that aren’t helping me, nor effecting them. I have been through things that should help me grow, but sadly I would rather let them fester and become infected.

I have allowed myself to become a prisoner to feelings that I don’t even really believe in anymore, nor do I feel the way my mind makes me think I do. I allowed myself to believe I am comfortable being alone, that I am holding out for someone who is never going to be mine. I have, for far to
long, been obsessed with the idea of one person, one life, one name, one dream. But sometimes we need to grow and learn that a dream is just a sugar coated, rose colored nightmare that will rip us apart if we let it. I am merely a pawn in this game of life, my wants, my needs are not going to be granted just because I cry, scream or get angry about it. I am tumblr_mbp4633Vev1qlccb8o1_500.pngthe only person, in a interpersonal selfish way, that will give me the things I desire or need.

I cannot go on with life expressing how sorry I feel for myself, for the things that life has tested me with. Yes these things, some anyways, require my attention, my sadness, my emotions but not in the way that I have been allowing these things to rule my life. Yes, I have been hurt, I have insecurities that eat me alive, and I have expectations but who hasn’t, who doesn’t? We all have our shortcomings; things that make us scared or unsure, things we wish we could change and things we keep buried in the deepest parts of ourselves. We aren’t broken or different because of these things, it is human, it is the way the world teaches us and it’s the things that help us. I have so much life to experience, so many hardships and glory to go through and I cant let the things of my pass hold me back any longer.

2016, the rest of 2015, I am going to resist the urge to revert back to the past as I always do, instead I will marvel in the present, look forward to the future and learn from the past. I’m going to throw away my “plan” of how my life was suppose to be. I’m going to change, change for no one but me.