I sat in that bus, on my way to work, on my way to make a living and I saw you. I have no idea who you are, your name or age; but I know you are someone’s son, someone’s friend, and yet there you are, dying on the street. One person, one out of the dozens all around you – including me – stopped to help you. I sometimes wish I was the type of person to bang on bus doors, to cause a scene, to act in impulse, but I’m not, and I’m sorry. I should have ran to help him, help you. I watched from that seat on the bus as he checked for your pulse, but your skin was so grey I doubt he found one. No one else even seemed to care, I looked around the bus to see if anyone else felt the way I did, and not one person looked phased by the idea that you were dying. There were 5 other people on the side walk where your body laid and they didn’t do anything but stare and walk away. I tried so hard to hold it together, to act the way everyone else did, but I couldn’t. I cried for you, I cried because I know something happened to bring you to where you were, I cried because no one wants to get involved, no one wants to help. No one sees that you are just a kid with serious demons, just a person who struggles with memories of the past. You are so much more then an addict, you are so much more than a junkie, you are a human; you are here for a reason, you matter. It’s not okay, none of it. It’s not okay that someone or something hurt you to the point where you had to find a way to escape your pain. It’s not okay that you ended up addicted to a drug that ruined your life, it’s not okay that you have to use to live. It’s not okay that a drug dealer is making money off your addiction, or that they are cutting drugs with poison. It’s not okay that society labels you, but doesn’t help you. It’s not okay that you died. It’s not okay that people didn’t stop. None of this okay, none of it is acceptable. We need to stop building giant shopping malls, and invest in mental health, in better schools, in affordable homes, in people’s lives. My only hope is that you are now feee of pain. God has you in his arms now, along with all the other human souls that died because of greedy drug dealers, and shitty people. Society, you disgust me.

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Darkness.

Like the bottom of the ocean, the vast night sky, it captivates me. Everything seems so silent, all around me the world is sleeping, dreaming. & here I am, lying awake in the darkness that surrounds me, trying to find ways to escape the nightmares you left me with.

How cruel it was for you to leave this world, without answers, without explanation, without saying goodbye. I am haunted by you, your death, and the people you left behind every night in my dreams – my nightmares. I see you, I feel you, I feel your pain, I watch you die, you come alive. You bring your son to a dinner I am at, and you disappear just as he tells me he’s happy your back. But you never come back, you’ll never come back, your gone. Your body is now in its final resting place, your soul is no longer in the physical world, you are no longer here. My heart breaks. My heart is broken. You had so much life left to live, didn’t you know that? Didn’t you know how many people loved you, how much we all cared about you? How much we miss you? How none of us can sleep, how much we wish we could have helped you. I’m sorry we didn’t, I’m sorry you suffered so much: I’m sorry you left.

I don’t know the reason. I doubtI ever will but an amazing friend, father, and man ended his life on October 31 2017, at the tender age of only 29 years old. He was my rock through so many of my depressive moments, and he was always so strong. I wish I knew in those final days what changed in him. I’m so embarrassed to say that I had stopped talking to him weeks before his death, and can’t help but blame myself for not being there for him. Shane Charles Whatley, I hope you are at peace; I miss you so much, I love you, thank you for taking the time to break down my walls and showing me that all men are not the same. I will remember you forever.♥️

Old habits

Darkness engulfs me, I really can’t seem to find a way out; maybe I’m not really looking hard enough. I stand at the edge of a steep cliff centimeters away from falling to my death, it’s overwhelming and I take a step forward. I am thrown back into reality, fluorescent lights shine brightly above me, cooking my brain and making it feel as though my head is boiling over and about to explode. I am brought back to my feet planted firmly on hard floors, back to expectations, and standards I don’t think I’ll ever measure up to. Back to the feeling of being the size of a grain of sand, back to feeling insignificant, back to being replaceable; and with a single misspoken word, or action I am back in that dark place, blinded by the dark midnight black that surrounds me.

My chest tightens and it becomes almost unbearable to breath, to move, to think. Those typical nervous butterflies have turned into angry wasps and are fighting for a way out. I am shaking, I am clammy and cold, yet I am dripping sweat and I feel as though I just drank 50 espresso shots, 5 Red Bull’s, and washed it all down with speed. I am fidgety and I am hyper-vigilant to anything and anyone around me; I am attempting to force myself to focus on a single task so I do not fly away like a helium balloon. Nothing helps, my over stimulated heart is dancing with the angry wasps and I feel faint. I return to that I-must-have-been-hit-in-the-head feeling and slowly collapse into the darkness; hoping I’ll find a way out.

My past, visions of all the things I did wrong, all the times where I was made to feel inferior to those around me – to those who are suppose to be my family, suppose to be my friends – plays over and over again, reminding me of how worthless I am, how I have never been and never will be enough for anyone.

After what feels like a life time, the panic and anxiety hides its self away and I can feel “normal” for a few beautiful moments. But it never goes away, no drug or drink, no prescription for Antidepressants or Anti-anxiety medicine can take away this worthless feeling, this self distructive behavior, or the constant reminder that I have failed young me, I have failed her, my parents, and God so many times, and it breaks my heart; because 7 year old me had so many dreams.

.o2

Its Sunday, and It’s raining today, for the first time in who-knows how long, the tiny rain drops fall like wet kisses upon my head.

And I think of you.

I think of how, like tiny drops of rain, your tears fell from your eyes the last day I saw you. And how you planted wet kisses upon my head whenever you’d say goodbye.

I think about the day you left, and how the sky cried for you. How I tried, oh how I tried, to disguise the pain I felt and the gloomy cloud that somehow followed me wherever I went.

I think of your laugh, your infectious laugh that I can still hear in my dreams, and I think about how wonderful each moment spent with you was, how Sundays were filled with visits to your house, the best peanut butter cookies in the world, and spending time with you.

As each raindrop lands on me I smile, engulfed by the idea that each drop of rain is a kiss from you, and each time my tears mix with the rain I am restored with faith that you are all around us still.

Its Sunday, and it’s raining today, for the first time in who-knows how long, the tiny raindrops fall like wet kisses upon my head.

And I think of you, and how grateful I am to have known you.

you know that weird feeling you get when you are pushed under water and someone sits on you, the overwhelming sensation of panic that overwhelms you to the point that our heart begins to race and you begin to only see darkness. When you physically feel as though you are floating away and watching your body struggle to return to the land. You can see your friends laughing, unsure if they are actually laughing at the fact that they are hurting you, or if in their immaturity they don’t realize that you are actually suffering. Just as you begin to feel the light surround you, you feel your friend get off you and you are gasping for air above the surface. 

It feels like a life time when you’re in that moment, yet you know it was seconds. 

That’s what depression and anxiety feels like. In that moment you feel as though nothing you can do will help you escape that dark and terrifying place. Your heart rate elevates to the point where you can physically see your pulse under your skin and you begin to sweat and yet nothing is physically holding you down. 

Depression makes it so I cannot looking forward to the future, it makes me see the world in a very dull and grey tone. I am simply surviving – not living. Depression eats away at me, it makes the small stuff seem giant and the big things – like death and change – seem enormous. It causes my hair to fall out, and my stomach to turn.

Anxiety feels like everyone is staring at you, it feels like you are trapped in a glass box with no escape, with no where to go. It makes my lungs constrict and my heart to beat so fast it feels as though it might explode. Anxiety feels like getting hit in the head with a volley ball and passing out, it feels like you are hot and cold all at once. My body shakes and I am unable to look at anyone, talk to anyone, or feel comfortable in my own skin.

Together they sink me.

O1.

It was like you were the light; Bright, vibrant and attractive 

      And I was the unexpecting insect; curious and in awe of you and so, I risked my life just to be close to you. 

But I soon realized that, the closer I flew towards your glow, the more damaging you became. 

    Your touch sent fire to my veins and restricted my air. Your guiding glow became my home. No matter how much you hurt me, no matter how many times your power knocked me to the ground, I would collected myself, wipe off the dirt, and fly back to you hoping that this time would be the one time you wouldn’t scorch my wings. 

It’s been years since the first night I laid eyes on your light, I am all but a body now. My wings have been burnt to ash and my legs are broken. However, I’m still here, Im still clinging on to the unrealistic hope that you will lift me up with your powerful light and love me the way I love you. 

But all I am is a bug, and you, you are a radiant and powerful light. 

The day we said goodbye

When your body grew weak, when your legs no longer could hold you up, the creator gave you wings. He held you in his arms and took away your pain. And while I’m grateful you are no longer suffering, I miss you everyday. 

A year ago I lost my best friend. My sassy little dog who had no problem laying snuggled into my arm all day, or being carried all around the city. She was, talking about her in past tense is still so strange, my security, my diary, my distraction from the pain that burned inside of me. She was such a a character and knew exactly how to get me out of my head when my depression weighed heavy on my soul. I can’t even count the number of times she saved me from killing my self. She was my baby. 

I still can’t believe it’s been a year, the pain is so fresh. I hope your free of pain Jayda, I love you and i miss you