I just wish that angels and fairy godmothers were real, i wish someone would tell me what to do and where to do it and how to be the person i was born to be. I want someone who will tell me to stop living in the past, who will show me that life has so much to offer and I am wasting a luxury many people were stripped of.
And yes I know that my life is mine to make the mistakes and choices for, and that sadly its a dog eat dog world- or perhaps i should say an insect eat insect world because we are nothing more then tiny insects fighting over that crumb of cake – or promotion and hours at work. But I just wish i had someone to bounce ideas off of, someone who will help me understand who i am suppose to be, someone to guide me in the right path. Someone to show me where i am meant to be, because i know that this can’t be where I am meant to stay. I am not meant to live in a city that has the highest overdose rate of drugs laced with Fentanyl or a city where theres more and more addicts living on the street and the age in which they are injects, snorting and smoking drugs is dropping to an alarmingly low one. I cant see how my future could be tied to the walls of this prison of underaged drug addicts, drug dealing migrants and white trash people. I am not that person, i have not fought my entire life to be grouped into this disgusting cluster of human waste my city has turned into.
And yes, I know I am single and only 25 and I could leave this place but when you barely make enough money to pay bills, saving money to leave is almost impossible.
Having said that, however, I know i need to stop making excuses. I need to start living for myself and not worry as much about my family, as hard as that may be. I think about killing myself almost daily because of the bad memories and sorrow this house, city, place is surrounded in and living this way isn’t productive or healthy for anyone. I know that if i dont get out of this city soon, my sorrow and pain will only be felt by the people in my life, because I will end up ending mine. That I will turn into the kind of person I hate just to escape the feeling of failure I wake up to everyday; to numb the hate in my soul. I need to stop living in the city I lost my ability to trust in. I know running away isn’t the answer, that my memories will always be with me but I can’t help but think that leaving will help quiet the demons inside me.
And yes I know I’ve been singing the same tune – talking about leaving – for.. Well forever it seems. But I’m at the point in my life where I am not able to find any real reason to stay. After loosing Jayda I felt like my entire world was crumbling around me and I realized that when push comes to shove no one is 100% here for me, so why should I always make myself readily available to people who may share the same blood as me but cares very little about my well being. Who may claim they love me but their actions show otherwise, and who calls me a friend but never acts like one. I have always been there for people, to listen to their troubles, to provide comfort. I would stay up all night for people, bend backwards for people only to be belittled and I would allow people to treat me like I was stupid or wrong, even when I knew I wasn’t. I was denied the opportunity to graduate high school because my parents, who I love deeply, decided that moving to a house rather then a basement suite was more important then keeping me in my school for the last two years. While I understand why they made this decision, they didn’t put my needs before their wants. It sometimes feels like my needs and wants don’t matter.
So I need to make me matter, I need to be selfish and make myself a priority.
But why does that seem so hard?