Dear Future Love

A million moments ago I believed that I would meet you and life would be wonderful, that life would be magical. That I would see you and my heart would beat 10 times faster and we’d fall in love in a way that wouldn’t make us question each other. But as life proceeded and my heart was broken and left jagged, my outlook on the possibility of forever and on love changed to the point where I no longer know if I’d even allow my heart or self to become vulnerable enough to let you in. The stone walls surrounding my heart have been there for so long I haven’t been able to let anyone in – or out for that matter. There’s been many who have begun to break down the layers of stone, but I push them away before they can get close enough and I hope that I haven’t pushed you out already.

I want to tell you all about my life but, too many people before you have used my demons against me. I want to give you the chance to prove to me that your different from the rest but I’m resistant to it. I pull every time someone tries to push, I push when people pull. I am my own worse nightmare, my own enemy. I apologize that you somehow got caught up in my tornado, the emotional break downs and my inability to be completely yours is my own baggage and you didn’t sign up for this nightmare. I’m sorry that I introduced you to my nightmares and the dark parts of my soul, probably before you were ready.

But at the same time I want to thank you, in order for you to become a part of me you must of withstood the storm, you must of pull harder then I pushed and you must of held on to me tight enough during the storm. I want to thank you for understanding that I have had a world of pain before I met you, that I lost that sparkle in my eyes long ago. I’m thankful that you are there to hold my hand through all those tough nights that I miss my dad, my grandma, my dog or those nights where my anxiety is telling me that your gonna leave me. I’m grateful to you because I know I am a handful, I do not trust easily and my fear of being touch is hard on everyone. I’m forever in debt to you for showing me that being close to someone, being intimate with the right person can be magical and make you feel better – not dirty or forceful. Thank you for loving me for who I am, thank you for not using what I’m not as a reason that I am not worthy of you. Thank you for allowing me to finally break down those walls and know that love still exists in small parts of this disgusting world. 

I love you, and I can’t wait to meet you. 

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