I feel as though I have so much on my mind and yet I have nothing to say.
I have a lot of regrets in life, and while I know I have no way of going back and re-doing things or fixing the things I’ve done, I can’t help but dwell on the past.
I can’t help but think of what life could have been if I hadn’t met Brandon, if we moved to quesnel like mom wanted to so many years ago. I can’t help but to imagine the life I could be living if this life hadn’t turned out this way. Would I be a mom? Would my anxiety and depression still linger? If I hadn’t been so quick to want to grow up, to throw away something so special to a male who was confused about his sexuality maybe I wouldn’t feel like I was inferior. And like I’ve said before I understand that he was born that way, that I didn’t “turn him gay” but somethings stick and eat away at you no matter or irrational they may sound. If I didn’t live here, maybe I would of treasured my time with my grandma more, spent more time listening to her talk and maybe if I wasn’t in denial about my dads illness I would have spent more time with him too, because sadly I know very little about who he was. I only know he liked individually wrapped hotdogs, ‘dads’ cookies, Red Robins coffee, working on trucks, smoking and my mom. I never looked to get to know him, I just mistook his demeanor as being mean and I wish I didn’t, and maybe if I had taken the time to get to know him I wouldn’t of tried to drink away my denial. Maybe I wouldn’t have met Kayla. Perhaps I wouldn’t of drank so much, laid in that bed and my trust in people wouldn’t of been stolen. My entire life could have been so different and that’s all I can really think of. How badly my life turned out. How a series of extremely unfortunate events dominoed to what I am today, or perhaps what I’m not.
I never wanted to be the person I am.
I never wanted to be 26 with no husband, no kids, no nothing, working part time at a retail store. & I heard it all before “Well then Donna, change something” “Its your life your the only one who can change it”, But its not that easy; and yes I’ve heard I’m just making excuses and yes I’ve been told that I just don’t want it enough but what the world doesn’t understand – let alone what I don’t completely understand – is that I don’t know how to change it. I’m so deep in this hole that I don’t know which way is out. I don’t know how to get over the past or how to move on. I’ve thrown around the idea of going to therapy, I’ve brought it up to my doctors, I’ve talked to a handful of people about everything and anything and yet it doesn’t do anything to help me. It doesn’t help me move on from these feelings, it just makes me feel weaker.
And even if I change my life, fall in love, get married my broken body may never be able to carry a child.
I’m broken goods in so many ways what man would ever want someone like me? I don’t even want me, or love me to be completely honest. I often wonder why people even waste their time with me, why people would like spending time with me or why I’m wasting space on earth when I’m nothing but a failure, a loser, a mooch.
I think about that a lot, how maybe the world would be better off without me, how maybe my death would free my mom from this city and she’d be able to live her life freely. How everyone would be better off. At least if I was dead I’d be able to love up on my jaybug one last time, and at least I’d be able to see my grandma, my dad, my uncle doug, so many people…
I just need a change so badly
but anyways, I should get ready for work..