I miss you more and more everyday JayBugg.
I’m giving up.
Emotionally, physically, mentally; I’m giving up.
I haven’t anymore fight in me, no more will to do better, be better or act better. I have no hopes, no dreams – just strife, just pain and suffering. Unhappiness and resentment. I can’t really explain how I feel, I am not depressed in the way of being overly sad. I’m just in a rut. A rut that I have no real way out of. More and more things are encouraging my departure from the horrible place, this horrible life. I miss my dog more then anyone can ever imagine. Her beautiful soul is missing in my life and its making life so much harder. She was my best friend, my confidante, and the only thing that was constant in my life. God takes away everything I care about and Im so tired of it. I want to be happy, but it just seems impossible. Every time I think I’m happy, or that things are going well something bad happens. But maybe that’s what life is about? Maybe we are diamonds, shaping under the weight of the world; the pain and the strife of everything life has thrown at us. Maybe I’ll come out of this stronger, better.. Maybe. But Maybe is never something that actually happens, and I dont want to live a life that is just a giant “maybe”.
I have lived in a constant state of “What if” for years. I have told myself everyday that It’ll get better and it never does and I dont know how to make it feel better, be better.
It sounds so hopeless and depressing but I just have nothing to look forward to, especially here. I say that so often but never go anywhere, I never have a chance or a place to go to. I have wanted to escape from the hell that lives in this city, this area, this house since I was 18 years old. Theres nothing about a city that intrigues me. I dont like busy places, or going out late at night. I dont like highways and traffic. I don’t like busy shopping malls that forces reused hot/cold air into your lungs. I dont like living where there are more tall buildings then tall trees, where there is more roads then sidewalks. My soul does not flourish in the middle of a city. My happiness is not material – which is a lot of what makes city dwellers happy.
I would rather live in the country, surrounded by fresh air and animals. Somewhere I could imagine falling in love and raising a family, somewhere that has potential.
Surrey, the lower mainland, cities in general – Have no potential in my eyes. In the city we
do not raise our children because we are so obsessed with appearances. We’re so worried about what the world perceives us to be that we dont care that they are basically raising themselves and that they are becoming zombies glued to electronics that “keep the occupied” while your taking your fifteenth selfie of the day, or snap chatting your bikini body that was achieved from the lines you snort on the weekend after your parents take your children and the diet pills you pop because “you don’t have time to work out”.And yes I know that’s generalizing and a lot of people do work hard for their bodies, but here thats how a huge portion of these girls keep their waists tiny. In the country they have so much things to do. They are happier, they are more successful. Basically, I am jealous and envious that I had to be raised here, around hookers selling themselves in front of a corner store and drug dealers living next door. That I grew up with people whose parents were crack whores, who knew too much about life to soon – so in theory I had too, to. It’s not that my parents wanted to stay here, but because of my moms up-bringing she was determined to keep us happy. She moved so much and wanted us to have the opportunity to stay with our friends and as usual my sister made a stink about moving and we stayed here. Its just another thing I’m resentful about towards my sister – which isnt really her fault.
I just need something new, something more then this..