Life, you get so busy. 

Hello beautiful readers, I hope you all are having a wonder spring and enjoying the little things life has to offer. 

Life is hard but it’s worth living, remember that 

As of May 4th I am now an university student. I’m only taking an English class but it’s a lot of reading and studying especially in between work and my own pity party. I’m currently studying for my first test and I’m over whelmed and exhausted from trying to process and understand all the terms and remember all the lists and definitions but I turn to God and know this is where I’m suppose to be and what I’m suppose to do. I’m still not exactly what I want to study, or what path I’m suppose to follow but I’m giving this a try. 

I’m still heart broken after what happened with Mr Whatley, but I cannot dwell on things I cannot change. He’ll always be in my heart, he’s such a beautiful soul with such a messed up history that it’s understandable why he’s the way he is. It doesn’t hurt any less, but it’s some what bearable. I just hope for his sake he grows up, or rather that he realizes his past doesn’t define his future. Our mistakes are only bad if we do not learn from them and our past only haunts us if we dwell in it.  But that is his problem and not any of my concern. 


I’m trying to look on the bright side of life, trying to beat this stupid depression.. It gets hard though. Especially when my anxiety is high and when I’m stressed. But that’s just proof that I’m alive right? I’m working and going to school and trying to better my life one day at a time.

I’m hurting 

This is a different side of the person you guys have been experiencing, I’m finally allowing my anger out. Please excuse my language.

Why the fuck do “men” these days act like teenagers still!? Like your almost 30 and your still acting like a 16 year old? Playing this fucking I love you shit after a god damn day? You love a person who lives 3 provinces away? How the fuck!? 

In grade 5 I would have pulled that crap, in grade 10 I would have pulled that shit too. But once I turned 17 I understood that love, real love, takes time. You can’t love a person you don’t know, you can’t love a person you’ve never seen angry or sad or sleep deprived. You can’t love someone who you’ve never seen stressed, you can’t love someone based on the outside. Do you know her demons? Or the things that lurk in the back of his mind at night when it’s quiet? Do you accept his insecurities or encourage her to be better? NO you probably don’t. Will you be there when they are experiencing loss? Can you stand up and be their backbone when they’ve lost their nerve? 

How can you love someone when 2 weeks ago you were sleeping with another girl? 

Or messaging me telling me to come cuddle? Or inviting me to meet your son?

I’m angry because I am hurt

I’m hurt because I let my walls down to allow someone new in and it back fired on me. 

I’m hurt because I told you about my insecurities and you listened, you told me about yours and together we bonded over the sorrow we’ve both been through.

I’m hurt because we shared so much in common, but I should have known. I should have known from past mistakes that drugs and alcohol will always be stronger then any bond or shared interests. 

I’m hurt because for the first time in 3 years I wanted to break my sobriety and drink until I felt nothing. 

I’m hurt because I cared about someone who had absoultely no intentions of caring about me. 

I’m hurt and I’m angry 

And I hate that I have to deal with this again.

Unorganized thoughts 

I keep grasping at something that’s never going to be conveniently within arms reach. 

I don’t understand how people can so easily allow people in and out of their lives. Investing time and energy in someone who has no intention of sticking around is more expensive then all the Louie v bags in Canada. The idea that we allow people to siphon our energy just to leave us empty and alone is terrifying. Could you imagine if we used the energy proactively, instead of stressing over boys and girls that run game we used that time to actively love ourselves. We used that time to enrich our minds; we used that time to become whole. I read something online today, that we need to stop comparing our lives to others because we, each and everyone one of us, have different time zones. Our lives are based on a plan that was outlined before our bodies formed, and I’m sure there’s an atheist out there that will say other wise but that’s okay. Each and everyone of us follow our own life line, time zone, path; whatever you want to call it.  I’m 25 years old, I’ve said it before but I truly believe my life came to a sudden halt over ten years ago. I still feel like I’m learning about the world; being trapped in depression and anxiety is a lot like living under a rock. I have to re-learn society, re-introduce myself to the world; I have to learn to live again. And that’s hard. 

People will say I wasn’t stuck in a certain place, but they do not understand. I wasn’t able to move forward from the pain, from old feelings, from old people, from things that tied me to my old life. I stayed infatuated with a boy who didn’t feel the same way about me as I did about him, I cowarded away from places that reminded me of the guy who sexually assaulted me, I kept all my pain trapped inside and I relived it. Yes the world kept turning, people aged & situations changed but within me nothing was different. I was suffering and not living. 

So, here I am almost 26 feeling the same way as I assume I would of after graduating highschool; unsure of what to do now. 

Search not for the perfect person, not for the person who ignites the heated passion of lust. Do not seek the flawless, do not wish upon a star for someone that will calm your inner demons.

Instead, pursue the flawed; open your heart to the possibility that your forever isn’t societies idea of perfect. Allow your demons to meet theirs, embrace the imperfect, the broken and those who need love just as much as you do. Because we are all just cells and water and flesh and bone, we are muscles and organs and we feel pain. We are human we aren’t perfect, we will never be. We are flawed and broken and searching for something that will soothe and calm our worried minds and broken hearts.

***

Love isn’t suppose to be forced, stressful or made based on your physical attraction to each other; yet here we are focused more on the beauty of those around us that we do not notice the inner beauty, the kind souls, the kind of things that time can’t steal; the kind of things were to shallow to see. I am just as faulted as anyone in this, I search for perfection, for a certain race, look and height. The sad reality is that my “perfect guy” in looks is not the perfect personality, is not the soul that feels like home, not my forever. 

Perhaps, that is why I’m single. I am actively pursuing those that looks perfect rather then the men who’s souls match with mine.