It’s something you never forget, heartbreak, the way your entire body shook because you could feel the ache and pain in between each airless whimper. Remembering the way your eyes burned from crying and the idea of breathing was beyond exhausting, the recurring, relentless dreams that left you drained and broken. You remember the way nothing felt normal for days and how everytime your phone rang, vibrated or beeped your heart raced wondering if they were reaching out because they missed you the way you missed them. You can’t forget the alcohol, that was suppose to help, made everything worse or how that strangers kiss did nothing to comfort or suppress the ache.
And everytime I think of falling into the arms of a man that may be my happy ending the nightmares of the past consumes me.
I grip tightly to the fact that I cannot be hurt again if I keep people at a distance. That my patched together heart cannot be shattered, cracked or played with if I do not take a chance. But by building walls I have become a person I do not want to be. I have no real urge to pursue a relationship, to put my heart and feelings out in the world for other people to see or even know. I have become the type of person that blames other people for the mistakes men in my past made, and I don’t want to be that person. I do not want to live life bitter, I do not want to live another 25 years alone; yet I have no idea how to change.
How can I forget the ache heartbreak accompanies? Or the soul crushing pain that cheating brings? Some days I wish I had a time machine or amnesia so I could forget the past and the pain I’ve dealt with.