For everyone else today is just a Monday, the start of another week of school or work. Another sunrise and sunset, another day the earth moves around the sun. But for me and my family today marks half a year, 6 long months without a part of our family; A grandpa, a dad, a husband and a friend. I can’t believe how the time has flown, I swear it was just yesterday We took turns sitting by his bed saying goodbye, but then again I swear it was just yesterday that he was down in the garage working on an old car or truck.. Time escapes me I suppose.
Time.. An invention of the human mind to track days and years.. Something I wish I could turn back. I would give anything to go back to the time in this photo, to enjoy his jokes and memorize his heathy, happy face and voice.. It’s been years since I’ve heard it.
Hold your love ones close, because you never really know how different life is when they’re gone until it happens.
It’s such a blur, the day my dad left this world.. I woke up with no motivation to go to work, work was my happy place at the time so I didn’t understand the dreadful feeling that overcame my entire body. I dragged my feet to get out of bed, to straighten my hair, to get dressed. I sat partly ready on my couch and my mind raced with words I needed to get out, put on paper or in words somehow. That’s how I started blogging, the intense feeling that I had to share the real reason I was so upset about my dads decision, I thought I could handle it; but I knew my mom was loosing far more then my sister or I. I wrote, I cried, I spilt the words I wish I could of spoke about how losing my dad was less emotional then my mom losing her partner is crime and the love of her life. I wrote about his love for her, their memories I was lucky enough to witness and the pain and worry in my moms face everyday and every night. I wrote how he was an awesome dad, but he prided himself of being an amazing husband. They fought, hard hardships and downfalls but their love was deeper then any grave, ocean or disease. If I could pin point one thing he taught me it would be how a man should treat his wife. I then went to have a bath, to relax, and left my phone on the couch in the living room; from the bathroom I heard my phone ring and my heart stopped.
“Dad died” through tears my mom said, her voice cracking and I went numb. This wasn’t suppose to happen, he was suppose to change his mind like he did before; he wasn’t dead I decided, this is a lie and it can’t be true. I had this false persona, that I was okay but the truth was I was pushing the feelings down cause I didn’t want to deal with the truth. I allowed myself to be bothered by situations that weren’t important, I lashed out and became distant because it was easier to be angry then weak. I would cry myself to sleep and act like I was dealing with it fine, I’d hurt myself just to feel something and I wanted to be dead. I wanted to be with my grandma, my great grandpa, my uncle doug and most of all my dad. I didn’t want to live, walk this earth without him here. I didn’t want to live with the pain that followed me everywhere. It’s ironic that I was the “strong” one the only one who understood why he was tired before he left, yet I was the weakest once he passed.. Irony.
It’s ironic that we are so naive, so un-trusting that we think we’ll feel a certain way no matter what people say.
It’s been a rough road, my entire world flipped upside down once the dread set in. I can’t pin point the exact date it hit me, but I remember getting picked up from work and wanting to ask my mom If she went to see dad. My mind whirled and every detail of the past months resurfaced and it hit me like a bus; of course she didn’t go see dad, dad is ashes in a box in the hallway next to our rooms. The next few days I went through what everyone else had already dealt with, the pain, the realization and the grief. No one really understood why now, after so many months it was effecting me so badly, I didn’t want to admit it was because I was in denial. I finally broke and spoke to my doctor, I began accepting the fact that he’s free of pain and that my pain is nothing compared to what he dealt with. There’s still days where I am weak and I am unable to deal with everyday life; my jealousy gets the best of me, my pain gets the best of me, but I cant let it get all of me. I can’t give up now, he would be so disappointed in me if I killed myself, made mom deal with more pain. I know that I will struggle with this for the rest of my life, but I hope it’ll get easier eventually.
Rest in Peace Daddy, I love you and miss you more then you will ever know.