I’m instantly drawn to people who are lost, who are struggling with something bigger then themselves. Their souls intertwine with mine and I am engulfed in their pain; I find myself obsessed with getting us out of this place, healing this person I’ve become mentally one with. I think that’s my problem, I physically feel the sadness and pain of others. The pain is not mine, yet I can’t help but be effected by it. This is how I felt when my dad first passed, I did not cry for me but for my mom because I knew her pain was overwhelming. I am so consumed with other people’s pain that I can’t address my own demons, my own pain.
I use to think the worst feeling in the world was being physically alone, but now I know the worst feeling is feeling alone in a building full of people.
I’ve come to the conclusion that, while I feel others pain and can empathize, I don’t trust anyone enough to open up completely to. I keep my vulnerability locked behind steel walls with the keys pressed closely to my heart where no human will ever touch. My very outlook on the world, on human’s as a species is undoubtly grim. We are fueled by the notion that we are happy with what we have, until something better arrives; until we are bored, or trust was broken. We hide behind the screens of our phones, tablets and computer screens idolizing false reality of greener grass. We spill our unfiltered hearts and dreams to people, people that may cheat on you and tell you it’s your fault, that they never loved you or that you are crazy. How can I find the courage to trust a person when I am so aware of the impeding doom that may lay before me.
But how can I judge an entire world by a few people’s choices? How can I hold Joe Blow accountable for John Do’s mistakes, the wounds that aren’t from his words and actions? How can I expect to find love and have children when I am so cynical and cut off? I am not naive to believe that all men are the same, that they all only want one thing however I am wise enough to know a good majority would rather act their shoe size then their age. Mind you, I shouldn’t only throw shade on males, females are sneaky and manipulative and are just as immature as their counter partners. I know many females that walk away, that give up on people, that cheat and play games. I have encountered women that run from their families, abandon their children for the same reasons a male would. I know women who pride themselves on sleeping around, who are proud to have babies from different daddies, who live their lives a way I never knew a women would want to; But I have strong opinions on gender roles, and maybe that’s why it surprises me when women act the way a male would.
Yes, I’m a female who thinks a woman’s place is in a home raising children. That a man should make more money, should work and should provide for their families. I do not believe that a women that chooses to be a mother should be involved in a 40 hour work week while her child(ren) are being watched by a person that is only doing it for a pay cheque, or stuck behind a computer screen doing work while their children rot their brains in-front of tablet or TV. Two people that decide to have children should do everything in their power to give their children a well balanced life, and there’s no balance in a daycare or being raised by an electronic device.
There is a point to my rambling I promise.
Like I said, I’m drawn to broken people; I am overcome with the need to speak to someone I believe is struggling no matter how long its been since I had a conversation or seen them. I constantly worry and check on their social media sites hoping to see a change. This happened not to long ago, a dream set me spiraling down to an unknown place filled with people I didn’t recognize and landmarks I didn’t know. I ended up in a apartment with people from my past, brothers of a family I knew in my younger years and as I slept my mind raced with situations and outcomes I did not understand. The youngest brother, a kind boy in his youth before the world crashed before him, was the main focus of this dream. I know, as I still speak to his sister and periodically him as well, that he as substance abuse issues and been in trouble with the law on more then one occasion. He was struggling in my dream, he was hiding from the law, he was lying to his family; his family that was in the other room emotional because of his actions. I have dreams that don’t make sense often and usually i forget them shortly after I wake up, however this dream was different. The details were burned into my head and I was consumed with what it meant, I still am. I checked his social media for a week before finally just reaching out to him; the tormented feeling wouldn`t shake no matter what I did and I knew I had to do something.
He is currently in Detox.
His life had flipped upside down and he was days away from going into treatment when I reached out to him. He is the strong, thug sort of guy, yet every time we speak he breaks down his walls. He tells me things any other man wouldn’t, he explains his actions for things without hesitation and he shows his feelings. We sort of dated when we were 13 and his sister was one of my best friends, I was there when his dad passed, when his brother betrayed his trust and I guess I am comfortable. I am from a time when his life was a little simpler and he is from a time where my life was full. I guess we have a bond that I cant make sense of, an unwritten, unspoken binding that keeps us connected even through the years and miles apart. If a male, a broken human, and a man that made his living slanging drugs can break down his walls, can admit that he is wrong and can accept the help he needs to become the person his son deserves and in his words “and so I can have a healthy relationship with someone If I wanna settle down”; If a person that has had nothing but bad situations thrown their way can look on the brighter side and I can’t? Why do I bury myself behind walls that are doing nothing but hurting me? Why am I allowing past mistakes, demons and fears scare me from living the life I always dreamed of? It baffles me that still to this day I do not have a person I feel comfortable with, that I can tell the complete truth to, that I can show even the deepest and darkest corners of my soul to, and yet I have become that person to so many people.
I hate my walls, the things I built to protect me have done nothing but isolate me, they have taken more then they have saved. I’ve lost so much because if and when I begin to let my walls open my mind freaks out and sends me into an anxious mess and I run. I need to learn to express myself, to allow my walls to crack and fall, to love myself, to allow others to love me; to live.
My third and final resolution for 2016 is to learn to be vulnerable without fear of judgement.