Someday’s I feel like a pebble resting peacefully on shore, happy and grateful; grateful to be in a beautiful place, to be alive, to have the sea gently tickle my toes. On bad days it feels like a storm. I’m still that tiny pebble sitting on shore, however the waves are now crashing into me knocking the wind out of me and pushing me under. My lungs fill with water, I gasp for air trying to breath but its impossible. The waves, the sea has a hold of me and I feel like I am dying. Its dark and cold, I am panicking and alone and in that moment of despair, the waves subside and I return to shore. I catch my breath, open my eyes and let out a sigh of relief. Just for a moment I am able to regain consciousness, fill my lungs with air rather then salt water, open my eyes without the salt water burning them and then the waves catch me again. Non-anxious, non-depressed people would say “Why don’t you just remove yourself from that spot if you know the waves will come?” Well, sane people it is because on those good days, the ones where the sun is shining on the ocean and the breeze is gentle, it is home; Its comfortable and calming. It is because the mud has dried up all around me and I am unable to move, I am stuck in this peaceful and horrific place.
Snap back into reality and I’m not a pebble, I’m not on some beach stuck because of mud, but that doom still overwhelms me.
Life isn’t suppose to be easy, I know that. Our lives do not come with a instructional DVD or a perfectly laid out plan, we are not robots or characters in a scripted movie. We are all trying to find our place in this world, to find the purpose in our lives. We learn and grow everyday and this is ‘Life’. But, someday’s that doesn’t help the feeling of dread and being stuck; being unable to leave a place, a mind set or a person that is beyond toxic to me, to my happiness. I am belittled and buried by things and people that do nothing but hurt me. I allow people and situations to control my mood. I take jobs, and do things that make me unhappy and hide my dread behind fake smiles and insincere remarks. I know running away doesn’t solve anything, I know I have people here that I’ll miss and that’ll hopefully miss me; but if I keep thinking of other people I will never get a chance to be selfish. Not selfish in the way that you may think, but putting myself first has never been my first priority and I think it’s time I do things that make me happy. I’m not getting any younger, happier or livelier being here; putting everyone else’s needs and wants before my own.
My second resolution this year is to put myself first. To do things that make my soul happy, that will help heal my broken spirit.