Truthfully..

I changed my blog address and now I am no longer getting views!

 

Death, grief, or loosing anything overcomes and overwhelms all of us. We all have things that change us, that rock our world and shatters our “normal” into a million tiny, unfix-able pieces that will never be the same even if we glued them all together.

 

“And He Said into me, My grace is Sufficient for thee; for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” 

 

Even if we screamed and cried; even if we fell to the ground in pain. Mine was not just the death of my dad, or grandma; while both of these broke me more then I ever thought humanly possible. It was not just being molested or my first love coming out. What topped it all off, what made me come crashing down was the painful understanding of how awful my father must of felt. I have had my fair share of depression, of demons that lurk in my dreams and under my bed. I live in a world of anxiety, moving branches and creaking floors send my mind whirling 210 km an hour. However, I was always able to walk away, to allow something else to consume my mind until I was able to feel even a millimeter better. I was always able to talk to someone, to do something that would silence the demons and hopelessness

He never did.

Stuck in a bed 24 hours a day, in a small room with nothing but painful reminders of what his life had become all over the walls. He had his computer taken away from him, I absolutely hate you Fraser Health, and so he laid there. He laid there alone, alone with his thoughts, alone with the realization that this was his life. He was in pain and he was so drained, he was tired and he was sad. I am selfish for thinking of only my pain, for thinking that I needed him here more then he needed to be in peace. He found no peace within the walls of that “care” facility, and we were unable to keep him at home. He had sores, and his body ached because he wasn’t properly taken care of, and yet I still demanded that he live; because I didn’t understand that his life was empty. I am so beyond sorry that I could not understand thisThat I was angry that he wanted to end his life, that I have wallowed in the fact that he is no longer here. 

I am not sorry, however, that I am terribly angry and sad that he was chosen to go through this, that my mom no longer has her best friend 

That’s the hardest part, you know, the fact that my beautiful, amazing mom is going through so much pain, so much pain that she hides through fake smiles. She is now a widow, a widower at only 53. She’s not even old enough to retire and she is a widow. I hate that she had her best friend, her partner in crime and her husband ripped from her. I despise that so many people have the chance to grow old together and don’t take it; they divorce their partners, they cheat and they ruin their bodies and lives. My pain was never really about me, but for her. No one will ever understand how her happiness is the only thing that truly matters to me anymore. She gave up so much for me, for my sister and for my nephews and never once complained, or needed a break from us. Life has never been easy for her, life has been a roller coaster of emotions, of pain and she deserved none of it.  She is, and always been my rock and I hate that I cannot be hers because I am too weak.

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I have been unable to truly tell anyone this; that my pain is not for me. No one understands because in today’s world you are only suppose to think of your own problems. That you are suppose to focus on what you lost, not that your other parent is now alone and suffering, that your nephews and potentially your own children will never really know the person their grandpa was. That they will not be able to visit their grandpa; just ashes in the ground. The loss of a parent is traumatizing, but it will happen; loosing a spouse so soon isn’t suppose to happen.

My biggest fear is that she will pass away soon due to a broken heart and I would die if that happened,

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