2015

Dear 2015.

You are ending just as you started, in a flash. I cannot believe we are going into the first week of 2016 in a few days, that a new year is already almost among us.

I can’t say you were my favorite, that you weren’t one of the worst years of my life, but I can say you taught me a lot about life, about myself and the sobering fact that tomorrow is never promised. When you started, in the deepest parts of my soul I knew you would take my dad and that this was gonna be a dreadful year. That you were going to throw things at me, things I would and would not be able to deal with; and of course that’s exactly what you d4630fa22ebc4f95d679fde53cf60648d.jpgid. However You allowed me to grow, and to learn and prosper. You gave me the chance to excel in a position that would lead to a promotion. You showed me that people, even the least approachable, can surprise you in good ways. That you can find friendship and comfort in the least likely places. You discovered the bravery I forgot I had, the courage to speak up about things I use to keep to myself. You helped me heal yesterday’s pain, and you taught me to forgive (Well to an extent, I’ll never forgive my dads egg donor). You showed me that true friendships last, even if you don’t speak often. That people are more caring then my anxious mind let me believe. You’ve taught me that people will reach out to you in times of need, even after years without contact. You allowed me to discover the true colors of the people I looked at through rose colored lenses. You have been a year that I will never forget, not just because you took my dad but because of everything you taught me, everything that came out of this year and everything that helped me grow. I’ll never want to live this year over, but I won’t ever suppress the memories either.

***

I haven’t written in a while mainly because these past few weeks have been difficult. Christmas, the beginning of a new year and dealing with depression and anxiety that would kill me if I gave it the power to. However, I’ve decided that I need to escape from this funk I am in. A few months ago I wrote a post titled 25 things I’ve learned from life in light of my 25th birthday. 2015 has been a year of change and growth for many people including my self, and because of this I am going to write about 5 things 2015 has opened my eyes too.

 

  1. Life doesn’t follow your plan – We go through life with a plan, a made up to-do list that we think will fall gracefully into place because we want it to. This doesn’t happen, Life has its own agenda it will not follow a set plan, it will not be predictable and of course it will throw you off course.  While this is insanely hard to deal with, it will teach you something eventually.
  2. It’s okay to show emotions – People aren’t able to read your mind and often just want to help. By expressing what you feel you will be astonished at how much better and less alone you feel.
  3. You are not indestructible – You are just a fragile being in a world of hurricanes and natural disasters. You will be thrown and stepped on, you will acquire bruises and scars and hopefully you will live through all the terror the world throws at you.de0c761fa2e90c5ef00dfc2eb3aee61a.jpg
  4. The people who you love the most have the power to hurt you the most – Read that again, The people who you love the most have the power to hurt you the most. The people you give your heart to, the ones that know you would bend over backwards for them will acquire the power to break you. Without warning, and sometimes without them knowing they will rip your heart into 10,000 pieces. Don’t become cold because of this. Learn to be selective with your heart, with your love.
  5. And lastly; Never, ever take a single person or day for granted – We are only given a certain number of days, a life with numbered pages; everyone’s book ends at different times and sometimes it ends in a “cliff hanger”. Remember this because although your days are also numbered, and your book may be nearing its end someone you love and care about could be one chapter closer to the end. You will kick yourself, everyday for not spending more time enjoying them, enjoying the story of your life, the story of their lives. I know I do, I wasn’t around enough to make lasting memories with my dad, I allowed my anxiety and depression to steal so many pages of my story and I hate it. So Please, Never take anything for granted. Be thankful for your lows and highs, be thankful for each sunrise and feel blessed that you are able to greet the moon as the sun sets.

 

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My hope for this new year is to become the person I want to be, the person I was destined to be. I know I’ve said that many times before, and every time I disappoint myself and retreat back into my old destructive ways but this time I hope I’ll have the courage to see it through.

 

 

Happy New Year Everyone, and I hope your dreams come true this year.

 

 

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Truthfully..

I changed my blog address and now I am no longer getting views!

 

Death, grief, or loosing anything overcomes and overwhelms all of us. We all have things that change us, that rock our world and shatters our “normal” into a million tiny, unfix-able pieces that will never be the same even if we glued them all together.

 

“And He Said into me, My grace is Sufficient for thee; for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” 

 

Even if we screamed and cried; even if we fell to the ground in pain. Mine was not just the death of my dad, or grandma; while both of these broke me more then I ever thought humanly possible. It was not just being molested or my first love coming out. What topped it all off, what made me come crashing down was the painful understanding of how awful my father must of felt. I have had my fair share of depression, of demons that lurk in my dreams and under my bed. I live in a world of anxiety, moving branches and creaking floors send my mind whirling 210 km an hour. However, I was always able to walk away, to allow something else to consume my mind until I was able to feel even a millimeter better. I was always able to talk to someone, to do something that would silence the demons and hopelessness

He never did.

Stuck in a bed 24 hours a day, in a small room with nothing but painful reminders of what his life had become all over the walls. He had his computer taken away from him, I absolutely hate you Fraser Health, and so he laid there. He laid there alone, alone with his thoughts, alone with the realization that this was his life. He was in pain and he was so drained, he was tired and he was sad. I am selfish for thinking of only my pain, for thinking that I needed him here more then he needed to be in peace. He found no peace within the walls of that “care” facility, and we were unable to keep him at home. He had sores, and his body ached because he wasn’t properly taken care of, and yet I still demanded that he live; because I didn’t understand that his life was empty. I am so beyond sorry that I could not understand thisThat I was angry that he wanted to end his life, that I have wallowed in the fact that he is no longer here. 

I am not sorry, however, that I am terribly angry and sad that he was chosen to go through this, that my mom no longer has her best friend 

That’s the hardest part, you know, the fact that my beautiful, amazing mom is going through so much pain, so much pain that she hides through fake smiles. She is now a widow, a widower at only 53. She’s not even old enough to retire and she is a widow. I hate that she had her best friend, her partner in crime and her husband ripped from her. I despise that so many people have the chance to grow old together and don’t take it; they divorce their partners, they cheat and they ruin their bodies and lives. My pain was never really about me, but for her. No one will ever understand how her happiness is the only thing that truly matters to me anymore. She gave up so much for me, for my sister and for my nephews and never once complained, or needed a break from us. Life has never been easy for her, life has been a roller coaster of emotions, of pain and she deserved none of it.  She is, and always been my rock and I hate that I cannot be hers because I am too weak.

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I have been unable to truly tell anyone this; that my pain is not for me. No one understands because in today’s world you are only suppose to think of your own problems. That you are suppose to focus on what you lost, not that your other parent is now alone and suffering, that your nephews and potentially your own children will never really know the person their grandpa was. That they will not be able to visit their grandpa; just ashes in the ground. The loss of a parent is traumatizing, but it will happen; loosing a spouse so soon isn’t suppose to happen.

My biggest fear is that she will pass away soon due to a broken heart and I would die if that happened,

Don’t forget that people will judge you by your actions, not by your intentions.

My intentions were never to be like this; I did not dream of the day I would grow up and hate people, nor did I wish I’d be a ball full of anxiety worried a2531474066c6fb1857fc0c773f7ae10.jpgabout what other people may say or think about me. My intentions were never to hurt anyone or to disappoint anyone, but my actions spoke otherwise. My actions disappointed, hurt and angered people; my actions show that I do worry about what people say and think of me.

I suppose my actions reflect my inward self, while my intentions were – are good in theory they are not what I am doing, or being. I allow my pain, the anxiety to cloud my judgement.

Honestly, I could handle the bursts of crying, the sadness, the depression; it makes sense. I have gone through a life changing experience, my dad died way to young. He was plagued with a disease that took more then just his muscles away and I hate that he went through all he went through and, in retrospect, I understand why he wanted to end his life. I’m depressed and hurting because of the disease, his life is important, we need him and this illness took him away from us. His bones creaked and muscles hurt as they died slowly, his lungs fought to expand – making breathing difficult and nearly impossible, he was never able to hold his grandkids or celebrate 25 years of marriage with my mom. I hurt because of these things,  not because he died but because he was robbed of life even before his soul left. He never got to teach his car obsessed grandson how to work on cars, or give them piggy back rides, 6c2c975ae3b5a736624ae3c870bcd10c.jpghe’ll never be physically here to watch them grow up, to grow old with my mom. My pain is not for myself; yet I am wallowing in it.
I am unable to understand the anxiety. The flashbacks. The dreams. It’s the never-ending doubting, second guessing, worrying and hypothetical ‘what-ifs’ that makes my mind race. My obsessively need to check my phone, email all throughout the day in fears that something may have happened and I missed the call – again. My restless mind that awakens me many times throughout the night to check if my mom is breathing, to try to hear my dogs moving; All of which leaves me exhausted for days afterwards. I do not understand why, why I am unable to relax and rest like a normal person. Why one terrible situation turned me back into the anxious sleep deprived, antisocial person I tried so hard to leave in my past. Anxiety is a part of me; a huge storm cloud that follows me wherever I go and yet I still do not know why I have anxiety, what caused it. I do not know why I went from everyone’s friend to someone who hates everyone, or why I went from a person that loved hugging people to someone who can’t stand being touch. Well, I sort of do. Anxiety happens because of many things apparently, environmental, disasters, loss and so on. I think I realized how scary, how unpredictable life could be when I was 8 and my neighbor, who was nothing but wonderful to us and a friend to my dad, and his son’s were shot at. When someone died on the corner in front of my house because of gun violence, when I watched the cops pull marijuana plants from his house. I think my anxiety multiplied when my grandma died and my dad got sick, and escalated even more when I was molested and no one believed me. But all of this was in the past, so far in the past that it’s nearly ancient history.

But its a part of me.

It has made me scared and distrusting, it’s made it hard for me to open up; to show anyone my true authentic self (I don’t even know who that is though). Anxiety is my worse enemy, yet my closest companion. Its brought along its own demons, own problems and it’s destroyed my perception of the world. My only wish this up coming year is to deal with these demons, to open up to someone and maybe end up falling in love.

 

 

 

Change can be scary. 

‘The bad news is, your choices and intentions, some people and places, those nights spent awake and all you’ve done, can lead you to the bottom of the pit. The good news is this wouldn’t be the first time someone’s crawled, tooth and nail, out of hell.’

I, now, know nothing is permanent, nothing stays the same; no matter how hard we wish, hope or dream. tumblr_mezu7x36r01rh85cao1_500.gif

I think, while its quite late for this realization, I am finally understanding that life is this never ending, never predictable, never planned lesson. We have to experience pain, depression, change and hardships in order to grow as a person. Like an addict that hits rock bottom before asking for help; I feel as though I have fallen as well. I’ve lived – stayed – in the past for far to long, a choice that is killing me slowly, a choice I made. I have known the same people, same places. I have relived the same days over and over. I have wallowed in the same self-pity, the same hardships that happened many moons ago, and yet I allow them to continue to beat me down. I have kept the same feelings towards certain people, held grudges that aren’t helping me, nor effecting them. I have been through things that should help me grow, but sadly I would rather let them fester and become infected.

I have allowed myself to become a prisoner to feelings that I don’t even really believe in anymore, nor do I feel the way my mind makes me think I do. I allowed myself to believe I am comfortable being alone, that I am holding out for someone who is never going to be mine. I have, for far to
long, been obsessed with the idea of one person, one life, one name, one dream. But sometimes we need to grow and learn that a dream is just a sugar coated, rose colored nightmare that will rip us apart if we let it. I am merely a pawn in this game of life, my wants, my needs are not going to be granted just because I cry, scream or get angry about it. I am tumblr_mbp4633Vev1qlccb8o1_500.pngthe only person, in a interpersonal selfish way, that will give me the things I desire or need.

I cannot go on with life expressing how sorry I feel for myself, for the things that life has tested me with. Yes these things, some anyways, require my attention, my sadness, my emotions but not in the way that I have been allowing these things to rule my life. Yes, I have been hurt, I have insecurities that eat me alive, and I have expectations but who hasn’t, who doesn’t? We all have our shortcomings; things that make us scared or unsure, things we wish we could change and things we keep buried in the deepest parts of ourselves. We aren’t broken or different because of these things, it is human, it is the way the world teaches us and it’s the things that help us. I have so much life to experience, so many hardships and glory to go through and I cant let the things of my pass hold me back any longer.

2016, the rest of 2015, I am going to resist the urge to revert back to the past as I always do, instead I will marvel in the present, look forward to the future and learn from the past. I’m going to throw away my “plan” of how my life was suppose to be. I’m going to change, change for no one but me.