Hello again, old friend

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Hello, former best friend

I see that your life has fallen, almost magically, into the place you’ve always wanted.

You are beautiful and successful, you have a home and a man to come home to. You are sporting a smile I have never seen on your face before; glowing with a love that seems so pure and true. I am beyond ecstatic that your life is coming along so perfectly, your imperfect past seems to have long disappeared.

I remember, as though it was just yesterday, our plans of growing up together, being there for each other through many of the mile stones life throws at us. Our first places, our first loves, our engagements and our weddings. Yet, it seems like life had its own plans. Our immature selves we’re unable to fight through the hardships, the gossip and the way we were growing so far apart while we grew up.  My life, while it had its up’s, was a series of downs; my inability to accept love, or move on from my past dampened my soul until it was just a pile of wet, soggy doubt. Yours, however, suffered its share of lows but marvelled in your highs. Your amazing transformation from a man that wasn’t good for you, to a man that thinks he isn’t good enough for you; from a self concious girl to a vivacious woman and from my best friend to a person I know nothing about.

While none of this can be place upon either of us individually, it is a consequence of both of our unkind words, our unconventional way of becoming ‘friends’ and the way neither of us could put aside our pride and be 100% there for one another.IMG_1652-0

That was probably the problem, we were to into ourselves and I was unable to communicate with you about the things that were weighing so heavily on my soul. I apologize because I know our failed friendship is 80% my fault.

While our generation went through the normal teenage emotions, the normal ‘depression’ we all felt once and a while, I was trapped in a never-ending-spinning-carousel of emotions everyday. My dad’s body was failing him while our classmates, you included, pumped their adolescent bodies with drugs and alcohol. I became the kind of person who didn’t want to be away from home, not because I was antisocial, or because I wasn’t “fun” but because I didn’t want to miss a moment with my dad, especially with people who were damaging their bodies. This was something I never confided in you, one of many things sadly. While I know friendships fail all the time, I cannot stop myself of wondering what life, what our friendship would be like today if I stepped out of my comfort zone and expressed how I was feeling to you. Why I was unable to keep a job, why your comments such as ‘I told ____ you probably wouldn’t last’ hurt me to the point that I began to hate you.

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I am sorry that I hated you because of something that was never your fault. I am sorry that I ignored your phone calls, or became unreachable many times throughout our friendship. I am sorry for everything that I did that ultimately ended the one friendship that I expected to have forever.

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Congratulations on your recent engagement and I hope your wedding is everything you ever dreamed of.

Lots of Love,

Donna

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