Summer has ended, thanksgiving was celebrated, Halloween is over and still the pain feels new. 

Christmas, holidays in general, have been beyond difficult since my darling grandma went home to God; but now that my dad went away this Christmas will be torturous. 

We have a life time of “Firsts” to live through now. 

This year has been excessively difficult, losing my dad, a never ended custody battle that plagues my sisters heart everyday, being diagnosed with PCOS and hypothyroidism, Mom’s stressful job search and all the other changes that have been packed into 11 short months, it’s hard to stay upbeat and happy. I am fearful, fearful of being happy because everytime I do I end up in the middle of a battle of sorts. A battle that I would rather do without. 

I believe there’s something beyond this life, but I’m angry. I’m angry at God, angry at the world. Everyone and everything I love gets ripped away from me, my family has gone through more sorrow then we deserve. Our hearts and souls are worn out and yet the world thinks it’s a fun game to throw more obsticals our way. We’re tired. 

I have prayed every single night for peace, for this never ending nightmare to end and yet it never seems to. 

I am torn apart. 

As much as I have always loved Christmas I’m afraid to look forward to a happy holiday season, for the past has made me fearful. 

I don’t wish for much this year, for what I would like cannot be bought, but I wish for a December that is full of happiness. That we will find joy this holiday season, that we will find peace. 

Such a thing would be a miracle. 


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