You exhaust me, you exhaust me in a way I never knew was possible.
I never understood those people who were always tired, always yawning, always so drained looking; Until I became one. I became one slowly, or perhaps quickly. One morning I woke up, unable to really open my eyes, with a headache that felt like my head was ready to explode. My eyes burned like a million pieces of sand penetrated my eyes, and I felt like 200 cups of coffee couldn’t keep me awake. I was so tired yet unable to sleep, to fall asleep and stay asleep, to sleep more than 2 hours at a time. I became to tired to even sleep, something I never knew possible.
I am not a mom, so I do not have an excuse or reason to be tired like mom’s do. I do not have the “reward” to smile at me and coo; I would lose 100 days of sleep for that. I am just me, I am anxious and I am depressed. My mind races all night, all day actually, and I am unable to form a proper sentence. I find no rest at night and therefore I am “one of those tired people”.
I suppose this is just part of my journey, to become the person I am destined to be. To fight through the storm to reach the rainbow. For the heavenly father does not put us through anything he knows we cannot overcome. But I am tired, I am tired of being tired, I;m tired of fighting a battle I cannot win. I am tired of being sad, of being stuck in this limbo of I’m fine, and I’m about to cry.
This is not even the worse part, the worse part it the loneliness.
It’s the “your-not-good-enough” feeling that overwhelms not only my heart and brain, but my soul. It is the constant, nagging reminder that I have no children and no man to love. I understand that there is worse things in the world than to be alone, but in my mind I should have a child by now. I should have a family and a home. I shouldn’t still be this sad. This worthless.
I understand people will say that a man, or children do not make you worthless. But when you have a plan, when you have a life long dream of being a mother not having a child does make you worthless.
But, I know I am only, only as if it is still young, 25 and I have a lot of life to live; I have many more days of my life. This is not reassuring the thought of having to live 100 more days without the one thing I want more then anything in the world feels like 100 years.
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”