Tomorrow morning when I wake up my first thought will be of you, not that you ever leave my mind. I think back to this time 2 months ago, I was in denial because you’ve said you wanted to go before but always changed your mind. It was a Friday night, why do all my love ones pass on a weekend? Sometimes I lose track of the days, but I’m almost positive that was the day M broke down and cried, told me grandpa was sick and it was sad. I tried so hard to comfort him, but I didn’t know how to ease his pain when I myself cant ease my own.
I remember waking up on that Saturday morning, feeling empty. Mom was working overtime, and then went to see you, I remember having this overwhelming urge to write about your love for mom. It still hurts that I no longer have that post.
I remember hearing my phone ring and knowing.
Knowing you were gone.
To say I was in shock is an understatement. I was, and still am, in a state of disbelief. This isn’t real, you are not just ashes in a box, your soul is not in heaven; you are here. Your body, your smile, your attitude, you. You are laying in a bed in a care home but you are not dead. You are struggling to use your computer but you are not dead. You are on the deck smoking and eating cookies, you are not dead. You are outside fixing cars, drinking coffee and eating raw hot dogs, only the kind that were individually wrapped, your not dead.
Grief hits people different, I know. But the shock, that 4 weeks of numbness that was accompanied by denial, was the worst. I couldn’t come to terms that you were gone, I didn’t take the time to grieve and now that I’m going through the pain, the realization that you are gone I feel like people are less understanding. I do not expect people to understand I do not want sympathy I just need time to heal.
Loosing you has really made me want to do something with my life, I know you expected better from me. You lived a life full of pain, my life has been a breeze compared to yours, and you still fought. Why am I giving up on the future just because I am not where I thought I was suppose to be. You never gave up, you had a disease that was literally a death sentence yet you keep your head up, most days, and continued to show the world you weren’t ready to quit.
I’m not ready either.
I want to do something with my life that would have made you proud. I want to live a life full of things I enjoy, like you.
I hate that your gone, it rips me apart everyday that you were dealt this awful card in life.
I will never go a day without missing you, thinking of you or loving you. I will talk about you often, so that no one ever forgets the man you are and I will carry what you’ve taught me wherever I go.
But, I know you wouldn’t want me to stop living and I need to stop wallowing in the pain I feel now that your gone. You never complained as your muscles failed and your body ached, so I have no right to complain.
We miss you so much
We love you
Rest in sweet peace my angel dad 👨🏻😇