Anxiety, depression and life

How I can I begin to explain, explain what causes an anxiety attack when I don’t know myself, explain why my heart beats twice as fast when I have to answer a phone call or send a text that may be taken the wrong way. Trying to explain the causes of an anxiety attack to someone who does not suffer from anxiety is like trying to explain what water tastes like. Nearly impossible. 

Trying to explain the bad days I experience because of my depression is even harder. 

How can I tell someone that my bad days, which happen far to often these days, bring their own set of symptoms; their own agenda. On my bad days I can hardly get out of bed, and sometimes I don’t. I can’t engage in conversation or even have the energy to stand for more then 10 minutes. My head pounds, my body hurts and I feel physically and emotionally drained. 

My anxiety and depression take away so much.

It took away my smile, my happiness. It took away my outgoing personality I once had. It damaged even the deepest parts of my soul and no matter what I try to do I can’t escape. I can’t shake this useless feeling. I can’t help but feel like a failure no matter what. I try so hard every day to feel, act, live normal but I can’t. And then im ridiculed by the one person I hoped would be on my side no matter what. 

Does anyone realize how hard living after loss is for someone who is already a big ball of depression and anxiety? 

I hate being here.. Driving near his care home sends me into an anxiety attack that feels like its sucking the life out of me. How can I move on, be happy when I can’t breath when I go near where he was? Everything seems so much harder..

I understand that the pain won’t go away over night and that we’re only given what he knows we can handle but I physically can’t do this anymore. I need some sort of relief, a break away from the pain. 

It’s not even just my dad, while that’s a huge part of it I am also lost in every aspect of my life. 

My life plan is not to be in retail until I retire, or to live in this awful city. My plan was never to live at home at 25, with no child. I understand, but do not accept, that life has its own plan but I can’t help but wallow in self pity. 

I want, which is a word I so rarely say, a life that I am happy. I use to be a huge believer in things unseen helping us but these days I can’t bring myself to see, feel or even believe in the magic of the unknown. Without that Magic my depression wins. Without that magic no antidepressant can fight my anxiety. 

I prayed every night to see my dad in a dream, to show me what im suppose to do now and instead I don’t dream, or dream of things that are impossible. I dream of TV actors and of flying cars, of work and of impossible situations. All which leave me more exhausted every morning. 

How can I feel better when sleep doesn’t even ease my mind? 

————————————————————-

Daddy, grandma I know you can’t read this, I know your gone but I need you both more then ever. Please help me, help me to heal. I know I was the worse daughter and granddaughter and I’m deeply sorry that I was not there more, but I hope you both know I love you more then I could ever put into words. I miss you both so much and wish everyday that I could turn back the hands of time and take your place. You both were so loved and so needed here and I still can’t understand why we lost two of the best people in this messed up world. I can’t even begin to understand what either of you went through but I’m tired of this pain, I’m tired of crying every night, of feeling so helpless. 

I love you both so much and I’ll miss you every day until I die

  

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2 thoughts on “Anxiety, depression and life

  1. You are far to beautiful to be this sad my love. Maybe you should consider getting some professional help? In Winnipeg it’s free, don’t know about where you live. I love reading your blogs, don’t ever stop! I check your page every other day to see if you’ve written anything. My heart hurts for you girl. God bless you, and I hope you heal soon from this illness.

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