What now? 

So your gone, life continues.. People live their lives, new life is brought into the world, time moves on. But I can’t. 

Did I think 11 years ago that I would still be in this place? Encased in memories and sorrow, unable to live because the world dealt my father a bad hand? Of course not. I had dreams and I had goals. I wanted what every girl wanted and yet I allowed my life to stop, but not really stop. I left it to idle in one spot. Anxiety and depression took over my life, because I let it. 

And that overwhelming feeling of guilt. That awful feeling that you have the chance to live and because of your own choices you won’t. You won’t because your afraid of loosing your dad, your afraid you’ll get sexually assaulted again, your afraid your heart will get broken again. 

I’m tired of being afraid. I’m tired of being tied to the things and places I know. 

My dad was the most courageous, strong and loving person even through his struggles and pain; oh I couldn’t even begin to imagine the pain he felt daily. His body working against him everyday, being stuck in a bed unable to do anything; the sorrow you must of felt daddy would have distoryed me. He fought like hell from the day he was born, birthed by a woman that cared more about herself then her young children, he was forced to fend for himself and Yet he was not afraid to love a woman, to be a husband and father. 

He was able to overcome his past, build a family and fight a disease that has no cure and still smile. I know he taught me better, I know I am stronger then the pain I’m feeling, but his memory is in every inch of this house and city. I long to leave, to start my life but I don’t know how, or where to go from here or How to change every aspect of my life and start over. 


I know running away doesnt solve problems, but I can’t move on, live, in a place my dad was born, lived and died in, where I was sexually assaulted or where all the bad memories live. 


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