I find the most peace at night, when the world is less busy and I’m warm in my bed. This is usually when I think the most, which is extremely problematic when I’m exhausted. I also find myself buried in so much regret and anxiety at night, the “should haves” and “what ifs” weigh heavily on my mind. The things I did and didn’t do or the things I should of should not of done race through my mind.
After being molested, after having my first love come out, after having my heart broken time and time again I’ve become so cut off, so distance to the most human thing in the world; Love.
Oh, what I wouldn’t give to have a man, a family. It’s always been a dream of mine, waking up at 5am to fix coffee and lunch for my man before he heads off to work, take care of our babies and our house, make a home. I never thought I’d become so jaded, so incapable of letting my walls down and people in.
It’s hard, and I know I need more professional help then I can afford or care to do.
I’m 25 on October 4th, and my dream was to have at least one child by now, but how can you have a baby, be intimate with anyone when you are afraid that there is something wrong with you, when being touched by anyone makes you uncomfortable, when you hate yourself in such a way that you can’t imagine that anyone would love you. I don’t think it’s possible. The only time I’ve been able to have sex since being molested is when I’m drinking, and I haven’t touched alcohol in 3 years.
I think that’s why I’m so taken back by the way people treat their children, that some individuals can abort their babies, allow their children to be taken into ministry care because of neglect. I understand that no ones perfect but if they really took a step back and realized how many people, myself included, would love the chance to have a baby, to be a mother I would hope they would begin to understand how precious and amazing their child is.
The only thing I really wish for this year is strength.
The strength I need to move on, the strength it takes not to give up. I wish for a happy life, something I haven’t had in far to long. I wish to fall in love, to allow myself to be vulnerable.