I often wonder to myself, Why do I write how I feel and post it on a website for who knows how many people to read?
I honestly don’t know. I’ve attempted journals, I have dozens of half filled notebooks, but writing to myself made me feel just as alone, crazy and depressed as not writing did. I kept so many deep dark secrets to myself, and by doing that I isolated myself. I hope, with time, that my writing can become words and my words will become strong enough to seek help. I hope that someone reads my posts and knows they aren’t alone; that someone can relate.
Pain, all kinds, demands to be felt and I know while suffering with depression the pain is overwhelming and you wish more then anything to be free from that pain, that never ending physical and emotional pain that weighs on your soul like 100 bags of dirt. I know feeling like life will never get better, I know feeling worthless, unwanted, ugly, fat, defeated. I wanted more then anything to know I wasn’t alone in feeling like this, and I want you to know your not alone. We all have dark days, some of those days last for years but they won’t always be there.
I understand being diagnosed with depression and being put on antidepressants can feel overwhelming or embarrassing, I felt like I was such a mess up that I couldn’t even produce a hormone that makes me happy, but I’ve come to realize it’s not me. It wasn’t my choice to lack serotonin, just like it wasn’t my dads choice to have ALS.
I need you, your friends, your families to understand that we are not over dramatic, we aren’t just sad, we aren’t just looking for attention. Our disease is distroying us, killing us slowing just like any life threatening illness and without treatment it will kill us. No, not in the same way but the end result is the same.
I still have low days, days where I feel like I’ll never be happy again. They’ve been frequent lately, but I have hope that I can find the strength to come out of this again and experience those days that I felt more alive then ever. Those are the days that I’m grateful I’m still here.
Those are the days that I can see a reason to live, I can picture my own future which is something I could never do before. I laugh and smile, engage in conversations and I am the me I was before my depression.
I know I’m just a faceless blog somewhere in this universe but I promise your worth more then the pain your going through and that life does get better.
I ain’t gonna judge you, I’m just gonna love you. And tonight I’m gonna pray for you.
Please stick around long enough to see the great life God has planned for you.
I Love you