What hurts the most was being so close & watching you walk away.

Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable. 


If you could go back, not in time exactly but to a point in your own life what would you choose? Where would you go? What would you re-live? Would you see a loved one, one more time? Tell an old crush your real feelings? The choice is completely yours.

Now what if you knew your whole life would change if you went back, would you still go? 

Would you be willing to change your life today to re-live yesterday? All your memories and experience would be replaced, your life today would be completely different. 

Personally, I would give the entire world to go back. Even if I knew my whole life would be different I know it would be worth the risk to return to 2005 and see my grandma once more, to warn my dad, to discourage my uncles decisions. I’d return to 2007/2008 and finish my last year of school, I wouldn’t have gone to that party, I wouldn’t of got molested. 


As always my mind is torn. I would LOVE the chance to see my grandma, hug her one last time and hear her voice, tell her I love her and spend time with her I know that loosing her taught me to appreciate the people in my life because they’re gone to quickly. Who would I be without experiencing such guilt? Would I have met the one man that restores my faith in this generation? 

I couldn’t live knowing I no longer had him in my life, he’s more important to me then so many people in my family. Except for my mom he’s the one constant person in my life no matter what. I always believed my grandma brought him to me, two years after she passed away he was the one who talked me out of going to be with her. 

Getting molested by Ryan brought him and I closer. He was there for me when no one else knew, he comforted me when I was upset over it. 

As much as I hate the pain the past brought me, it’s brought along its own joy. 

It brought him into my life. 

He’s my bestfriend, the first man I loved after B, the first man I woke up with, the first person I go to when I’m hurting, the first one I tell my good news to. The first and last person I talk to everyday. I learned that love, real love, overpowers any hurt feelings, any nasty words and when a person belongs in your life, romantically or just as a friend, they’ll withstand the depths of hell to stay. 

Which is what he’s done. 

Which brings me to my next dilemma. Years ago we agreed, our friendship is to valuable to risk becoming a couple. We agreed we were better friends. But recently, sadly, I’ve become a slave to what my heart wants; him. 

He’s everything I ever wanted in a man, he’s respectful, he works, and he knows the ugly parts of me and still stays. 

I hate that my thoughts are constantly clouded by visions of him and I together when I know it’ll never happen. What he wants is something I’ll never be, and I had accepted that, I was moving on. I think, as hard as it’s going to be, I have to distance myself from he. Allow my mind to become clearer and stop reading into things that aren’t even there. 

I hate that I can’t be with him, but I understand. He means to much to never have him in my life again even if it means only as a friend. 

I’d rather settle for someone else then hold on to something that’s never going to happen. 


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