To those who follow my blog I’m grateful that you take the time to read my posts, comment and are present. As I stated in my “About” page I’m not looking to be anything big, or somehow become one of those paid bloggers. That’s not my passion, not why I write. I write because it helps me; my pain is blocked by my inability to feel vulnerable around people that may judge me. You, in a sense, do not know “me”, yet in a way you know me better then my closest friends.
Your stepping, inching, into my mind, able to understand me in a way I can’t vocalize to those around me, and afraid to share these words with.
In a way you’ve become my closest, most valuable friends. You’ve seen, read, the ugly that lurks in my soul and you still stay. You know my deepest fears, my truest feelings. I want to thank you for understanding and encouraging me, for simply being here.
Now, the real reason I opened this app this evening.
When was the last time you felt uneasy about something, someone? Unable to truly understand your reasoning or emotions. Why do I feel like I don’t belong here, or why do I feel so scared to be close to this person are thoughts that run through my mind more often then I’d like to admit.
I sound like a broken record and I’m sorry, but I’m going through one of the most exhausting anxiety attacks of my life. I’m not talking a panic attack where my heart is racing and I’m experiencing cold sweats, but the kind of anxiety attack that lasts weeks. I feel judged, I feel uncomfortable every second of everyday. I’m withdrawling from people, finding comfort, which is no comfort at all, within my own mind.
I use to love my job, work was my happy place, my home away from home. Now I dread the moments I spend there, waiting impatiently for my shift to be over, trying to find reasons not to be there, not to go. It’s not that anyone has changed, I’ve changed. I cannot pretend to be happy anymore, I’m not happy. My heart is broken into 2 million pieces and I don’t know how to fix it or even where to start.
I don’t know how people can live their life “normally” after someone they loved has passed I don’t understand how people can find their own strength to be a better person after losing a piece of them. I don’t understand how someone can go about their lives doing the same things they did when their family member or friend was on earth.
My heart is blackened, I do not care about much of anything. I’m tired all the time yet can’t seem to get any rest. I’m restless yet I’m unmotivated.
I know, I really do, that the way I’m “living” isn’t how my dad would want me to be. But it’s hard to think of him gone without feeling defeated. He is the strongest man I even knew and now he’s gone and I no longer have him.
I know I didn’t visit him enough, but I knew he was still fighting
Now he’s not
It makes me question everything. Which brings me back to my question, when was the last time you felt uneasy about something?
Now, I know I’m just emotional and by morning I’ll probably feel and see things in a different way but I can’t help to feel uneasy..
He’s my best friend, but recently and by recently I mean the past week or so, I’ve questioned myself. Do I still have feelings deeper then friendship? Does he?
Why does he always make me feel so uneasy yet so comfortable, why do our hugs seem to linger?
It’s a long story that I may get into in a future post, but he said something to me that hurt me so badly that I turned cold to any feelings I may of had towards him and still to this day my heart will not allow me to feel freely when it comes to him.
I can’t seem to shake this angry, jealous, hurt feeling I get everytime he talks about other girls or takes care of his ex’s daughter and I don’t like it.
My whole world is just spinning, I’m unable to process my feelings without ending up in another. I go from happy to sad, from sad to furious.
I hate it
I wish I had the power to fix it, but I don’t know how.