Somewhere over the rainbow

Everything’s the same but it all feels so different. 

I need different, I need some time in a beautiful place, no phone, no work, no stress. I need to smile again, laugh, be who I was before my dad passed away. 

It’s not just that my dad died. I know that.

My feelings are hurt. I feel like I’ve put so much into my job, I helped do new line on my nephews 4th birthday, I’m there whenever they need me. Why am I making less then a sales associate? Why am I making less then the people that are only available 2-3 times a week? I understand that I make more then minimum wage, and that I should be grateful that I have a job, that I get hours; I am, I really am. But I’ve started to feel so taken advantage of, I feel so resentful. I would never laugh at someone who told me they were on the phone with income assistance trying to get help to get their loved one cremated. How is struggling to grant a mans dying wish funny? I’m sorry my mom and I don’t make triple digit incomes like you and your husband. I’m sorry we don’t have money to go on vacations monthly. We struggle and laughing at our misfortunes really bothered me. 

I use to feel so comfortable at work, I don’t anymore. 

I’m struggling so much just to go to work, I’m struggling to not fall back into my old ways where I would just not show up to a job and ignore phone calls. I’m constantly battling myself, trying to beat my depression. 

I’m angry that my “best friend” hasn’t even tried to see me since my dad died. 

I’m annoyed that everyone assumes I’m dating the only real friend I have left. Putting thoughts like that in my head is just making me question myself and our friendship. It’s making me withdraw myself from him. I’m pushing the only person I really care about, other then my family, away because of other people’s words. I know we are better as friends, I know we love each other but arent in love with each other. Yes, I know best friends make the best partners, and he’s everything I look for in a man but his friendship is more important to me then trying to risk it all for “love”. 

I hate that everyday my eyes burn because no matter what I do I end up in tears. My eyes are constantly blood shot, I’m constantly tired. Every time I attempt to talk about what’s bothering me I shut down, unable to get anything out other then “I don’t want to talk about it” 

But I do want to talk about it. 

I want to scream it all out, I want to ugly cry until I feel better, I want people to ask me how I am and I can tell them I’m terrible. I want to tell them I’m not good, I’m not fine & I’m not living. 

A piece of me, a huge piece, has died. A part of who I am is dead. How can anyone be fine after that? How can anyone expect someone to be fine after loosing someone they love? Half of the reason I’m here isn’t here, half the reason I’m alive isn’t. So no I’m not living. No you can’t say or do anything to make it better but not saying anything doesn’t help either. 

I don’t want people to treat me like I’m broken, but I want people to listen when I want to talk about it. 

——————————————————-

I still haven’t seen you in my dreams daddy. Where are you? 

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