Coming to terms with… life

For years I isolated myself, unable to fully live, to fully deal with life. It was easier to surrond myself with online “people” then to go out and socialize.It was easy to stay in my room and not deal with what was going out in the real world; in my own home.
My anxiety kept me from living, and now that im “healthier then i was then I can see how my life was less then par. I did not party, or see friends. I never lived a normal life. My heart and soul was blackened from depression.

Today was the first day in a while that I was able to come to terms with the events that are happening, I hate referring to them as events, as events are suppose to be fun or happy and this is less then okay, I was able to see, feel, the pain I have been denying for the past 4 weeks. When my dad passed away I was able to distract myself by working, by allowing my denial and shock to overpower the sadness, the overwhelming feeling that although he is in a better place, We are not. We are in a place where we are unable to live normally. I know hes free of pain, that his suffering is over, but after 10 years of him being sick, and 6 of him being in a carehome its hard for me to come to the realization that my mom will never pick me up for work, or come home after visiting my dad telling me how he is. Because he isn’t. Please don’t tell me that he still is, that he’s always with me because it isnt the same.

If, when, I have children they will never know him. No the boys did not know him healthy but at least they knew him, he saw them as babies and they saw him while he was still here. My children will have to learn of their grandpa through stories and through pictures, just as they will have to learn about their great grandma . No, my great grandma wasn’t here for long, but I am grateful I met her. I have never, and never will, meet my grandfathers and its a part of me that missing and now my pain will be passed down to the children I may or may not have.

I know this is selfish that people get tired and that’s why they allow themselves to die, But they were to young.

Its been ten years since my grandma died, yet it seems so fresh sometimes,. and its been 4 weeks and a day since my dad passed away and it still feels like yesterday.

My pain isnt allowing me to move on, to be the same person I was before this happened. I do not know how to be the same person I was when someone that was so important in my life is now gone. that iIll never have a dad again, Ill never have him at my wedding, not that I want one but things and people change, Ill never be able to see him, or hear him laugh or talk. It breaks my heart everyday that this happened to him, that he had to draw the short end of the straw. If I could I would go back 12 years ago and appreciate him, and all the things he did for us that I took advantage of.

The love he had for my mom will be the one thing that I will always hold close to my heart. His over protective nature and the strange, but perfect way, of showing us he loved us. Id do anything for him to take something from me and hide it and hear him giggle as im searching for it. I cant allow people in I cant be friends or be with a person who never knew my dad

Being in this house makes me feel so incomplete. I can still see him on his computer in the kitchen, or in his wheelchair watching some “dumb show” on tv.

Home will never feel like home. I cant live here anymore because everything i see and everywhere i go reminds me of my dad. Im overwhelmed, my heart isnt at peace at all. Ive been trying so hard to look on the good side. But the irritability and the anger, the sleepless nights and the loss of appetite is driving me insane. I no longer have patience for anyone, I have no motivation to do anything. This isn’t living, life needs to be enjoyed for it can be over in a second. 

To the people I have been short with I apologize, I haven’t seen myself and it’s been a hard 4 weeks. 



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