“From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”‭‭Psalms‬ ‭61:2‬ ‭

Overwhelmed  

o·ver·whelm (ō′vər-wĕlm′, -hwĕlm′)

tr.v. o·ver·whelmed, o·ver·whelm·ing, o·ver·whelms

1. To surge over and submerge; engulf: waves overwhelming the rocky shoreline.

2.

a. To defeat completely and decisively: Our team overwhelmed the visitors by 40 points.

b. To affect deeply in mind or emotion: Despair overwhelmed me.

3. To present with an excessive amount: They overwhelmed us with expensive gifts.

4. To turn over; upset: The small craft was overwhelmed by the enormous waves.

To say that I’m overwhelmed would be an understatement. I haven’t had an anxiety attack in months, yet today I’ve had 4. I’m self conscious and weary of making a mistake. I’m a big ball of worry; of sadness and anger. 

My personality isn’t an aggressive one, I’m usually polite, people pleasing and generally happy, but now I’m angry, I’m judgemental and I could careless if I was a “nice” person. 

I’m anxious, not just emotionally but physically as well. I fidget and I pace my mind is constantly running; unable to concentrate on basic every day tasks. It’s exhausting, By the time 5 o’clock rolls around not even coffee can energize me. The idea of thinking, moving, interacting with people take away every ounce of energy and patience I have left. 

This isn’t who I am, it’s not who I want to be. Knowing my dad is really gone, that my mom is hurting mostly, kills me. My mom has always been everyone’s rock but who does she have, especially now, to lean on?  What can I do for someone who always prides themselves on being strong? I try to help her, but often feel as though I’m failing to make anything better. 

And I know we’re only presented with what he knows we can handle, but what if we don’t have the same faith in ourselves as he has in us? I don’t think I can handle who this tragedy turned my strong mom into. I don’t think I can live life knowing I’ll never have my dad.  I don’t think I have enough strength to bring myself through this anymore. I always told myself if dad can show strength and courage in his life I can too, but now he’s gone. He got tired and his soul needed rest, I understand that, but without his soul here on earth I can’t find a reason to fight. 

Why, when i have no one that “needs” me, am I still “healthy”? Or better yet why is it that my mostly-good family have to face unbearable pain and suffering? I’ve tried so hard not to turn into a pitty party, crying out “why me” but I can’t help but wonder why, in every aspect of my life, am I being tested. 

I never asked to fall in love with a guy that was questioning his sexulity, nor did I want my grandma to die. My dad and I had a rocky relationship, but I never wanted him to leave us, or have to suffer for 10 years. I never wanted a mental health problem, to feel exhausted everyday from a mind that won’t let me rest. I never wanted to be raped, or to have ovarian cysts. Why am I being presented such trials when nothing good comes from it?

I’m trying so hard to see the “good” in life when slowly and surely Life is taking everything good I have away. 

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